Saturday, June 17, 2017

This is what happened and here's a word of advice for all of us

Watch out                                                       
                                     something bright before I carry on so that you know
                                      I am not a crazy woman. My geranium from last year
                                      my new one is on it's way.


I may loose blogger friends over this, but right now, I don't care. (she said with a wry shrug of her shoulders) but I'm going to speak up and I know full well that it will cross blogger boundaries. I can not carry two painful burdens at once, I am sick and a terrible burden has been placed on me in this blogger world. I am a vulnerable person and sick or healthy, I am not going to take this kind of shit.  I will not slip quietly into the night. Most especially, not at this time in my life. I'm pretty sure I would have at any other time, but when you're this sick - something just snaps.

I suspended my blog on Wednesday 6/7.  I did so because I have breast cancer.  It is (was) a small tumor near my right underarm. It was removed on Tuesday 6/13. There is still a lot of treatment to go and then the psychological healing - that takes the longest.  I had breast cancer in my right breast in 1990.  I think it came because of massive stress and a diet of hamburgers and gin. This time I think it is entirely stress. (sadly I don't do hamburgers and gin anymore) I didn't want to share that information because  -- I'm sick and tired of being the one that people have to feel sorry for.  The one that brings heavy shit to the table because her life is full of heavy shit.  I didn't want to be perceived as being weak and needing sympathy. (and I still don't) I wanted to leave the room quietly and just do what needs to be done.  I don't want people to feel they have to "take care of me....fix me".  I've said those words before, if anyone is paying attention.  I only want respect for the courage to live a challenging life.

That is the sole, single reason that I made that decision and wrote the post.  It had absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with any other human being or any other situation !!  

 In that last post, I said that I was lonely and confused...duh... at this point who wouldn't be. How could anyone have something like this happen to them in a life that is already carrying the lose of a home and the immediate death of their mother following that.  The lose of a good part of an inheritance because of someones greed. Five years spent trying to help the most wonderful woman in the world conquer alcoholism (who btw is doing great) and the enormous lose of financial security that comes with that.....and shit and shit and shit and now I'm still paying off an operation from three months ago and fuckkkkkking more bills and finally, I am faced with paying $1,500 a month in rent which is double what I've been paying. How on earth could you not be confused? How could you not wonder "what the fuck has happened to my life"! when you look around at the, pretty much, ok-ness that surrounds you.

And so now, on top of all of that, everything that I have to deal with .....  I get shut down, shut out and gossiped about by another woman that I have loved, cherished and supported, really supported....because somehow she managed to take that post and make it all about her. How the fuck could anyone determine that that post was about anyone but me????  If you want to think that this is gossip, go ahead, I'm not categorizing this telling as anything but balm for a soul that has just been driven over

(I don't care who's shocked or offended by what I'm saying here.  I feel like I'm just about to lose it big time.)

This talented and amazing woman, who shares a lot of love with this world, without one word of discourse, because of her misperception,  immediately "unfriended" me everywhere - Jesus, I hate that fucking word!! -  locked me out of her blog and Facebook and refuses to have any contact whatsoever.  And this ain't the first time. The first time, it was shocking, I tried to help her understand and heal from her confusion, even though I was humiliated by her public rant, which I forgave. There was understanding and renewed connection, because I helped her. This time, I am fucking, fucking blown away! I reached out to her again, I put my fucking blown mind aside and was met by utter silence.  And let me tell you, having been on the end of that sort of thing with a very dysfunctional family, I know the damage silence can do.  There's a Facebook quip about "the angry words of an enemy can never hurt as much as the silence of a friend", silence is a killer. It's the ultimate passive aggressive behavior.  I'm too, too old to take blame for someone else's behavior.

Now a very close friend of hers....... (again,I know what I'm doing here is crossing a line, I know I've lost these two women forever    - and I may loose more for doing this -    but this is like a second cancer and it's tooo much !!)......... has done the same thing. A woman that I thought was a real friend, a new but sympatico and amazingly smart and good, good hearted woman has done the same thing.  Not one single word in response to a couple of emails....silence.  That confounds me even more. I have treasured these two brilliant women but they have gotten it wrong. Heartbroken doesn't even come close.

Now let me tell you folks -- adults don't do silence.  Adults dig for the truth.  They work and work hard to find that truth and preserve a love if there is any way possible to do that.  And that takes courage and overt compassion and fucking words !!!  It is imperative that we speak, otherwise love has no chance of surviving. Never assume. It is beneath you and hurts someone who could very well be completely innocent .... like me. Yeah, fuck, me!   --- 

I said in the post that I wanted to come back lighter, healing physically and emotionally, can do that for you. But now, no, it will be a long time before I feel safe here, this kind of healing takes real time, at least for me it does.  But I will write again, I'm not so weak that I would give that up. It's important to me. There are women and a dear man here who I can rely on, I have that, and I am saved by that.  I did not come here today to hurt anyone, that's the truth, I came here to help myself.  And this kind of shit, on top of a serious illness, I won't put up with it. I'm just too fucking tired to have any kind of patience. Blogger can be a place of great comfort and sharing, beauty and laughs, but it can also be a very dangerous place.

(I feel like I'm channeling that ballsy Lidia Yuknavitch)

 If this last year has not taught us to stand in solidarity and compassion for one another, I don't know what ever will. So let me give you a little tiny bit of advice -  if in your life you have a problem with another person, please, as I said before, give yourself and them the dignity of communication. You may just find that what you think happened, didn't actually happen at all. You can save a friendship that way and prevent a lot of pain. I will always miss these women, always. Fuck!  And I am so very sad that this has happened, but it was not in my control in any way.

I'm holding on to Elizabeth's words: "There is NO WAY any of us know where our lives will lead us. I am convinced, again, that it's as important not to despair when things are shitty as it is to feel grateful when they're good. Nothing is permanent, ever." That's my mantra now.

So, I'm going to go do something nice for myself, and get back to healing my tired old body and spirit, because cancer, in all it's forms will not take me down. But it will take me out for awhile.
                                                                             


22 comments:

  1. Liv, hope things are better for you soon. Have you look into low income senior housing in your neighborhood.

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    1. Thank you.
      Housing is in such short supply here and the waiting list is huge. I do have a little bit of money and I always think, there are older people in worse situations than me and have been waiting a long time -- let them have it. I do think that maybe I found a pretty good apt. for a pretty good rent, it's in another city..but..let's cross our fingers. Thanks again.

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  2. Heal, sweet Liv. Put all this negativity behind you, and walk on by. You are a joy.

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    1. I can't tell you, Colette, how I appreciate your words. Always, you are kind and steady and I know you are just "there". Thank you dear friend.

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  3. wow. better to get all that shit out than keep it inside especially when you need to heal from cancer. I hope this will allow you to let it all go. believe me I know from experience (well, I've never had cancer but shit like that will eat you up inside if you let it). I was part of a group of friends who one day out of the clear blue sky totally shunned me. no one would would talk to me, I was met with an ice cold wall. it was incredibly hurtful and more so because I didn't know why. I had a few other friends from the same organization that stood by me but they didn't know or understand either but they did give me some good advice and that was that people come into your life and out of your life. friends don't always mean friends for life. some people come into your life to help you or be helped and then they go out and not always kindly and when they leave it's best to just let them go. it's not your burden to bear. whatever bit them in the ass, their misunderstanding, is their problem. you have no need to defend yourself to them. eventually the woman I had considered my best friend wrote me a letter that turned out to be a long list of petty grievances and basically said don't ever try and contact me again. she frog marched me to the door and told me to never come back. that hurt but it also pissed me off. as if she and the rest of them were so fucking perfect, had never done anything to piss me off or hurt my feelings during our association together. I gathered up everything she had ever given to me and either gave it away or sent it back to her by way of purging her from my life. 10 years later she contacted me on FB all 'wasn't that a great time in our lives, such wonderful memories'. I couldn't believe it. no apology, no remorse, said she didn't even remember writing the letter, and she couldn't believe I was being so unfriendly over it all. I told her to go to hell and then she blocked me. good riddance. so let those women go. they used you and assumed guilt. let them carry it.

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    1. I'm so sorry that you know so well what I'm talking about. That sting stays a long time doesn't it? But you are right, Ellen, and I'm grateful to hear your words " friends don't always mean friends for life. some people come into your life to help you or be helped and then they go out and not always kindly and when they leave it's best to just let them go." That just helped me sooo much! It will take me a while, but you really helped me to loosen my grip on it. It was weighing me down so much. I've got much more important stuff to do now - and you've made it easier for me to do that.
      Thank you.

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  4. Wishing you healing and support, much support!

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    1. Yours is very important to me A.
      Thank you so much for giving it. It makes things a bit easier.

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  5. Oy. It all sounds very stressful and intense. I hope you will get some peace. I mainly want you to know how SORRY I am that you have breast cancer. My God. WTF? I'm sending you lots of love and patience and yes, certitude, that everything passes. As my Italian father always said to me, "Molto forte e corragio!"

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    1. I had a dream once, that I was sitting in meditation pose before a huge window that looked at a mountain peak. It began to collapse and enormous boulders came crumbling down from the very top, threatening to crush me...I just sat calmly, without fear and as they tumbled they turned into bubbles. Yes, much courage is needed, and friends who bring love. You gave it, I got it. Thank you.

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  6. I know you wrote that you didn't want to be perceived as weak or needing sympathy; I don't think I've ever had that reaction to your writings, to be honest. I know I've written this before but I find your writing inspirational...tough times make tough people.

    Sending you good thoughts, this and every day!!

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    1. Thank you, Elle. I will be remembering that as I work my way through this...that you are thinking of me. It truly helps.

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  7. This sucks. I've had the same sort of thing happen to me and it broke my heart. I read a very good book this past year, "The Humans" by Matt Haig. There is a line from the book that resonated with me. "I hurt and so I hurt." Very true I think.

    Take care Liv.

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  8. Beautiful words. I've heard of that Matt Haig book. I think it's probably time to read it.
    I'm so sorry you had a similar experience. It's sad that women do this to women. My daughter said, "you know, Mom, men just don't do stuff like this, why do women?" Good question.

    You take care too, Deb. And Katie is looking good, her smiles are so sweet :)

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  9. "You may just find that what you think happened, didn't actually happen at all."

    That is so true. I have just seen that you emailed me at my blog address, which I don't check every day, so I'm sorry to only just be seeing that you reached out to me there. It has been an incredibly busy and stressful week over here, and some of it I have not been at liberty to share freely on my blog, but I will tell you here that my very close friend underwent major surgery to remove a cancer last week, and I have been mostly with her, at her home as she lives alone, and perhaps that is why so many days have gone by without my checking my blog email. I am so sorry you have been diagnosed with breast cancer, and that even though it has now been removed, you still have to go through further treatments. I hope they won't be too debilitating. I am glad you wrote here as you did. It is too hard to keep such emotions bottled up; much better to rage and cry and let them pass out of us onto the page. I don't feel sorry for you, my friend, but I am sorry that you are having to go through this, and I am sorry that you are suffering needlessly with the thought that anyone has rejected you. At least one of the people you have been feeling rejected by (I think, forgive me if I'm wrong) has merely been distracted by and struggling with her own realities, which you will understand since some of the particulars mirror what you yourself have been going through. I hope that writing here as you have will help purge some of the sorrow and hurt you were feeling; they will not help your physical healing, and that is so important now. Please know you are loved and cherished, and that silence in this virtual space usually only means that perhaps there are things happening in the other person's life we cannot imagine if they have not posted about it, and who among us posts everything we go through here? The most comforting saying I've seen about this emotional roiling that people like you and I sometimes go through, the stories that arrive in our heads full blown, is this: Love your sorrow. It won't last. I hope and pray this is true for you, that your sorrow won't last, and that in fact, it has already lifted, at least a bit. Sending wishes for love and healing. And also peace.

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  10. Oh my God, Angela. Right now, for these moments, I can't stop crying and being so very, very grateful that you wrote. It's almost more overwhelming that you wrote this to me that it was to think you were gone. Bless you, bless you. It was terribly heartbreaking to me to think that such a good and kind and very valuable friend would be lost to me in such a way. I wish I could put my arms around you and hold you, dear woman. I'm so sorry that I thought that was what was happening. When you are going through something like this, you loose equilibrium and the world feels like it just tipped and let you off. You have just filled my heart. It is a difficult time for me, but not life threatening and I hope that is so for your friend. Please give her my best as I know a bit about what she is going through. I am sorry too that things are stressful for you and hope you find peace and rest in the midst of them.

    This is like a treasure found and I am going to print it out and keep it on my desk - an affirmation that I am loved and not alone. Healing will be easier. Thank you. Thank you.

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  11. Hi Liv, I'm just now finding your last post and this one. I'm so sorry to hear of your new cancer. I hope you heal quickly and get through the treatments well. Take good care of yourself!

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  12. Thank you, Jenny! I appreciate your good wishes so much. Your comment already helps.

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  13. Dear Liv,
    Angella said it best, you never know what anyone else is going through. Sorry that you are going through this. Wishing you strength and sending love.
    Xoxo
    Barbara

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    1. Dear Barbara,
      Yes, she did didn't she. I was overwhelmingly happy that she responded and helped me to understand what was actually happening. When you are ill like this everything seems bigger and more confusing. Thank you for your well wishes, they really help!
      Best to you.
      Liv xo

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  14. I am just seeing this tonight Liv. I am sorry for this upset in your life, particularly right now. I hurt for you. I hsng onto the notion that if people don't respond to me compassionately, it is them and not me. I can still hurt, but I know it's the truth. It seems that you've come to that place now. It is them. Something is happening in their life or they aren't what we'd hoped for. And the latter I know I have to release from my life. Life is too short to be ignored or treated unkindly. I am rooting for a swift recovery and a wonderful apartment. Love and peace. Jo

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  15. Thanks, Joanne, for this lovely comment. I've pretty much gotten to that place of understanding that this is really all about her. I feel sorry for her now. But your thoughts help me to really grasp that, I can relax a bit better.
    I so very! much hope that you can be well and get all the peace and love you need.
    Liv xoxo

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