That's how I feel. This feels like an uphill trek and I'm not a good hiker.
We have to do the whole fucking thing all over again..............yes. Yes.
I left you with the gucky photo of the first incision to take out all the cancerous breast tissue and insert the "expander". Not the real implant, just the thing that expands the muscle and the tissue to hold everything.
Since then I've had the second surgery, which was hell, to put the real implant in and reconstruct the other side so that they matched. I woke up screaming, really, there was a whole lot of running around by the staff and a doctor rushing in the door so fast he actually slid across the floor. I was in the kind of pain that pushes your blood pressure to 210. Nobody knows what happened, or maybe nobody wants to say what happened, but I woke up from the anesthesia feeling as if I had just been cut from under my arm, across my breast (in three separate incisions) and up my chest to the other side without any pain killer. Like when the serial killer comes in the door and starts to slice you up before finishing the job, but then decides to sew it all up.......... and let you live. Nice.
That was a difficult heal because the operation was so much more intense, a lot of work to be done. My healing time has been crazy long because I got an infection and had to lay low for awhile. I also, sort of - kind of got depressed there for awhile, but have bounced back to my usual lovely self.
Now it looks as if it will all have to be redone because there is too much unexplained pain and I have begun to develop a ridge, also unexplained, that is traveling up my breast bone to my throat. It's just the muscle but it shouldn't be doing this. So I am scheduled for another surgery in August that will replace this implant with a different kind and further reduce the real one to try to match it again. And various other little things that need to be tucked up and cut off. My God, right? But the insurance is paying for all of this - they are very nice to you when the word cancer is involved.
I'm questioning the whole thing. Although, once you start it's almost impossible to stop. Not the questioning, you have to get ahold of that, but the whole, too long, process. Should I have gone for just loping off the whole thing? Hindsight. I don't know. I don't know anything as we have long ago discovered.
In other news, my beloved daughter has been sober for 65 days! Stopped dead the day she moved in here. She says she was just really done this time and hasn't any cravings or desire to go back. She has, however, substituted wine for raspberry danishes. Thank god for pastry! I am beyond words proud of her and life is so calm and easy that we both just revel in it. Nobody is thinking backwards, it's just move forward. In all things.
As for me, besides the crazy healing and all the mind fuck from that, I am building a website for my small business of selling my art, shell sculp., paintings, etc. called Sudden Splendor. I'm pretty excited about it when I am not freaking out, because it is like trying to learn to knit underwater. I constantly get tangled in what came first and where to go next, while running out of breath. I have to get up every hour or two and go have coffee and one of those pastries to keep sane. But it has to be done if I ever want to sell a single piece of this art that is taking over the house. The website needs to be connected to Etsy, where I have a dozen ads but haven't published a single one because I .... well let's face it, I am a 12 year old chicken.
I don't know how you all have time to post and read (which I'm sorry I haven't been doing much of that or at least not commenting when I do) because I can barely find enough time to wash the dishes, let alone talk to real people....that would be you. I miss you.
Keep a good thought for me, as I know you will. You like me. And even though I haven't been pulling my own weight here, I truly, truly think of you all way more often than you would think I do. Because I like you too.
PS: I am thinking of you most of all, Ellen, and hope the best for you!!