Wednesday, June 26, 2019

Is there a revolving door here?

Whew!

That's how I feel. This feels like an uphill trek and I'm not a good hiker.

We have to do the whole fucking thing all over again..............yes. Yes.

I left you with the gucky photo of the first incision to take out all the cancerous breast tissue and insert the "expander". Not the real implant, just the thing that expands the muscle and the tissue to hold everything.

Since then I've had the second surgery, which was hell, to put the real implant in and reconstruct the other side so that they matched. I woke up screaming, really, there was a whole lot of running around by the staff and a doctor rushing in the door so fast he actually slid across the floor. I was in the kind of pain that pushes your blood pressure to 210. Nobody knows what happened, or maybe nobody wants to say what happened, but I woke up from the anesthesia feeling as if I had just been cut from under my arm, across my breast (in three separate incisions) and up my chest to the other side without any pain killer. Like when the serial killer comes in the door and starts to slice you up before finishing the job, but then decides to sew it all up.......... and let you live. Nice.

That was a difficult heal because the operation was so much more intense, a lot of work to be done. My healing time has been crazy long because I got an infection and had to lay low for awhile. I also, sort of - kind of  got depressed there for awhile, but have bounced back to my usual lovely self.

Now it looks as if it will all have to be redone because there is too much unexplained pain and I have begun to develop a ridge, also unexplained, that is traveling up my breast bone to my throat. It's just the muscle but it shouldn't be doing this. So I am scheduled for another surgery in August that will replace this implant with a different kind and further reduce the real one to try to match it again. And various other little things that need to be tucked up and cut off.  My God, right? But the insurance is paying for all of this - they are very nice to you when the word cancer is involved.

I'm questioning the whole thing. Although, once you start it's almost impossible to stop. Not the questioning, you have to get ahold of that, but the whole, too long, process.  Should I have gone for just loping off the whole thing? Hindsight. I don't know. I don't know anything as we have long ago discovered.

In other news, my beloved daughter has been sober for 65 days! Stopped dead the day she moved in here. She says she was just really done this time and hasn't any cravings or desire to go back. She has, however, substituted wine for raspberry danishes. Thank god for pastry! I am beyond words proud of her and life is so calm and easy that we both just revel in it. Nobody is thinking backwards, it's just move forward. In all things.

As for me, besides the crazy healing and all the mind fuck from that, I am building a website for my small business of selling my art, shell sculp., paintings, etc. called Sudden Splendor. I'm pretty excited about it when I am not freaking out, because it is like trying to learn to knit underwater. I constantly get tangled in what came first and where to go next, while running out of breath. I have to get up every hour or two and go have coffee and one of those pastries to keep sane. But it has to be done if I ever want to sell a single piece of this art that is taking over the house. The website needs to be connected to Etsy, where I have a dozen ads but haven't published a single one because I .... well let's face it, I am a 12 year old chicken.

I don't know how you all have time to post and read (which I'm sorry I haven't been doing much of that or at least not commenting when I do) because I can barely find enough time to wash the dishes, let alone talk to real people....that would be you. I miss you.

Keep a good thought for me, as I know you will. You like me. And even though I haven't been pulling my own weight here, I truly, truly think of you all way more often than you would think I do. Because I like you too.

PS: I am thinking of you most of all, Ellen, and hope the best for you!!

Love
Liv














20 comments:

  1. Wow, you have and are going through so much! Sending good and healings thoughts. And post your art. It’s beautiful. You’re so talented. Don’t doubt it. Let us know when you do!

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    1. I will. I hope it's soon, I am actually looking forward to crossing over the bridge!

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  2. OMG, Virtual Hug for all you had to go thru in that surgical procedure? It almost sounded like you woke up DURING Surgery!? That happened to The Man once, it freaked everyone in the Operating Theater up and thankfully he only had brief Memory before they put him back under properly! I Pray your Healing after the corrective Surgeries goes Well and no more complications! I'm so Happy to hear your Daughter got sober and has moved on to Danishes, so much easier to substitute something to replace what you were struggling most with, at least for a while anyway. Don't know if they have Meetings or a Recovery Plan for those addicted to Raspberry Danishes? Congrats on moving forward to Selling your Art, even if you haven't been Fearless about it, that's okay. I began Selling my excess in an Antique Mall 8 Years ago and was petrified if I could do it! Now that seems so silly, how scared I was to step out initially. May you have strong Sales, a Healing Touch and loads of Quality time with your Beloved Daughter!

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    1. Wow, I've always feared that. I think it happens to people more often than we know. Thanks for telling me that about your selling. I think the same thing - that when I finally get this handled I will look back and think it was silly too.
      PS: I hit publish on your other reply (of course before I read it all) but it didn't come up. Where do these things go?? So sorry.

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  3. I'm sorry you've been going through so much hell and hope the healing continues and at a quicker pace! I have several friends who had complications like yours related to breast cancer surgery, but they are years out from it as will you be, too.

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    1. Yes, it will be over, really over sometime soon - or so the surgeon reassures me. But it seems like so much time wasted. Time, so precious.

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  4. Too much for one person to handle! I am so sorry for the pain you have been experiencing...both physical and mental. Loving healing and hugs coming your way.

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  5. You're a jewel, Linda. Thank you so much for the well wishes.

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  6. This is so hard! I wish I could come over and help you out a bit, at least bring more pastries.

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    1. Oh, dear woman. I'll bet the pastries you would bring would be sublime!

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  7. So sorry to hear about the painful surgery, and now the need for a correction surgery. Super F***ing Sheesh. Keep us posted, please. And share that url for your art. I'm so happy to hear you are doing that.

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    1. Thanks for your support, Colette. I will share it, but I am so slow on the pick-up. I don't know how other people navigate this, but I am determined!

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  8. You are a strong woman, Liv. This is all so hard. I wish you well. - Linda

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    1. Linda, thank you for that. I'll bet you've had things in your life too that were tough. You've stuck in here with me and I'll bet your are a very strong woman too :)

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  9. liv, you've been through so much. what a blessing that your daughter is there with you, sober and present. as for your art, post it pronto, it's beautiful, and it will sell. Please let us know when it's up so I can go there and enjoy your wonderful eye and hand. Sending love to you, and prayers for your continued healing.

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    1. I think I'm going to have to hire someone to get me the polish that it needs to be professional. I'm looking forward to it and am trying to keep focused. Thank you for being here for me!

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  10. Oh Liv. what I just went through is nothing! How awful what you have been through and that you have to go through it all again. No wonder you were depressed but I'm glad you've come out of it. yay for your daughter. and I know how time consuming creating and maintaining a website can be. I've let mine slide for a couple of years. really need to update it and also want to include a 'shop' page.

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    1. That would be great if you did a shop page. Your work is exquisite and it would be great for you to have another way to sell it than just the art shows.
      What I'm going through is not easy...but really Ellen, yours sounds very worrisome. I worry for you...I'm a good worrier. That means you can stop worrying, I've got this handled. But you do too, you wonderful woman. (I learn so much from you!) I hope it gets settled soon.

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  11. I'm glad your daughter is sober. But sorry that you're in so much pain and have to have another surgery. I don't think I would do well with that.

    It's so nice to hear/read your voice again.

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  12. Yes Deb, it's heaven having our first sober 4th of July together. So relax and fun.
    Glad to be back.

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