a slice of my heart

Wednesday, November 30, 2016

A visit to Cuba from London

The death of Fidel Castro will enormously affect America's relationship with Cuba.   Let's hope that the progress that President Obama has made in communicating with Cuba is not completely destroyed by our resident idiot, because Cuba is so much more important to America than we actually realize.

If you want to know a bit more, from a first hand Cuban, please go read my friend,  Mario Lopez Goicoechea, over at :   https://cubaninlondon.blogspot.com    He has given a wonderful interview with the BBC World News explaining his experiences and views of his birthplace and how he sees this transition.  As he says, he is a revisionist, lets hope his vision of a Cuba without Castro is the one we all come to see.

Thank you, Mario.

Thursday, November 24, 2016

Tomorrow is another day, Scarlett, and thank you very much.

                                                            Yet to be consumed ~ ~ ~
                                                            The annual Peach Pie
                                                             (actually a galette)

It is capitalized because it is that good.  I froze this Summer's peaches so that we can have a bite of sunshine on our Thanksgiving table, which came in really handy because it is pouring outside.

I didn't get a shot of the table laden with   -  stuff  -  but this is the aftermath.................
Hence, that saying "tomorrow is another day", hopefully, because if it isn't I'm dying with a sink full of dirty dishes.  Pie will be consumed soon with whipped cream and hot tea. Lord, it's 9pm  --  but pie must be consumed!

I am very thankful for the grace to have such wonderful food and a warm home and lovely conversation.  It's my daughter and me for dinner only.  Can you believe we have shared this day, just the two of us, for at least 15 years, maybe even more? We like it that way, relatives and all the angst and anxiety and holding your tongue just made the day not what it is supposed to be in a pretty extreme way. So now we get to talk about the Beatles and movies and plans for next year and lots of just silly stuff, it's peaceful.

I am thankful for more than just our dinner or time together.  I am thankful for all the good people who voted for Hillary.  I am thankful for those who keep fighting today and tomorrow to try to see justice done, not only with the votes but also for Natives Indians, the hungry, the homeless, the persecuted everywhere. I am thankful for a million things - like clean water and people who say thankyou and you'rewelcome, and for smiles from strangers.  I am thankful to be living in a free country where people can make stupid mistakes and where people can change the world...and we do, here in America.  For all the beautiful animals that fill our lives here and are provided with love and warmth and safety and I pray for all the others that their lives might be so.  I could go on and on and on listing the myriade of privileges and graces we who live in this incredible country get to experience everyday.  And as well all the spiritual and miraculous things that we are able to explore because we live in a country where that is possible. We are very lucky indeed.

And I am grateful on this day of thankfulness for You.  You who share your lives with me, you who entrust me with your sorrows your dreams and your joy.  I am also grateful To you for listening to mine and offering me comfort and cheering me on and even sometimes laughing with me. You have helped me to both see and understand more about life then I think I ever could have without you.  I am too lazy to do it by myself.  Thank you thank you thank you xoxo

Love, Liv

PS:  I am also very, very thankful to the guy who's car I ran into last night,  fender bender!  (totally my fault) who said..."Don't worry about it, it's not that bad." A sweet and gentle young man, just the kind of guy you wish would marry your daughter if you had one, or be your son if you didn't have one.  It really wasn't that bad, paint scratch on both, easy to fix. But it could have turned into a real problem if he hadn't been so genuinely kind.  We exchanged info (he does have insurance!) and he patted me on the back and said "Have a good Thanksgiving". He's not reporting it and he wouldn't even take money, I'm sure he voted for Hillary!

Tuesday, November 15, 2016

My best friend

                                                                   Dearest Marley
                                                              November 15th, 2016
                                                           Rest in peace, darling girl.

Thursday, November 10, 2016

I need a little help from my friends

I don't know how to explain what is happening here. It's another world of pain on top of that political shit. I keep hearing people say things like.....rah, rah, rah we shall overcome...etc.  I even say them, and I hold a speck of hope in that, and then there's let your mourning out, let your anger out, and I hear that too and they could both be said  for what's happening here, in my house. It's a kind of vortex. It's a  weighted thing. It's this political stuff, yes, but it's a whole lot more.

My daughter who is gay is spinning in her brain.  She is feeling ripped apart knowing that he and the rest of them will take away - and this isn't a maybe, this is a fact - her right to marry the person she wants to. She is overwhelmed with the thought that she will be loosing her health insurance and knowing that she couldn't afford private coverage. I try to say things to her that will relieve some of the anxiety and they all sound so empty. I can't help her and the panic rises in me. She is about 9 months sober, bless her heart, and I don't fear that she will drink but I know the anguish she is going through trying to hold in that place. I'm eating too much and not drinking enough water and I wish I could have a drink - but I would never do that in front of her.  But I  w a n t  one.

My beloved darling cat, Marley, who has been quickly declining, was diagnosed with cancer of the intestines and spleen.  This is surreal.  She was fine, brought me a baby mouse about 6 weeks ago and overjoyed when she presented it.  She was just trying to sneak out of the gate, playing with the string on the blinds, demanding that I get up right NOW and give her her breakfast and now she can hardly eat, she is declining fast. Nothing in her body is working quite right and I know she is so, so confused about it all. I also know that she realizes that she is very sick. She doesn't want me to leave her side and I don't want to leave her side.

I've been sick with all this shit in my sinuses and my tooth and I'm so physically, mentally and spiritually tired. I don't want to run away from any of it. They need me and I need them. But none of the things that usually get me through are workin' their stuff right now.  We all three, although we are here together in this house and loving and supporting each other,  feel so alone. It's scary.  I know it's not going to last forever, but f u c k, I'm here right now and it's happening.  I want to wake up in a different world, with my daughter not frightened and my cat healthy and in no pain - and me in no pain.  I want to wake up tomorrow feeling like I did last month when nobody was scared other than the normal - I'm alive on this planet and life sucks / life is sweet.  And I don't want to wake up tomorrow.  Every morning for these last two weeks has been accompanied by panic. I want to be strong and help and I know I am, as much as my clumsy self is able - and I want to get in the corner and cry till it all goes away.

I have one friend in this city to talk to but like everyone else she is just human, she has a life of her own full of complications so it's not often that we can be together. I have my therapist who I had to cancel our last meeting because of doctor stuff for my darling, and now she is on vacation for two weeks. I dashed to the store this morning to get Marley treats, she will eat a tiny bit of them, and some salad from the deli counter (that was for me). The girl behind said "have a good day" and I didn't reply, she thought I had turned away when she said "and don't ever come back", because I didn't reply!.... I didn't even react. Nothing matters right now except what is happening within this house.

I don't want to read blogs, I don't want to read Facebook, I don't want to comment, I don't want to feel anything when someone comments on me or doesn't .  But this and Facebook are the only places  I have to go to right now and that makes me feel physically ill. I want to scream but I will wake Marley and upset my daughter, so I just keep crying because that's all I can do.

I've made a fluffy warm bed behind the couch for her because that's pretty much the only place she wants to be.  And my daughter just got back from making a late night candy-run to the 7/11 and is, hopefully, watching Netflix to distract her own panic.  And me?  I'm taking a pill or maybe two and I'm going to sleep and then maybe the knot in my stomach will stop bleeding fear.


Tuesday, November 8, 2016

Don't do that today

Don't hold your breath today. Breathe calm and purposeful. SEE her graciously accept this high honor as she takes the helm and guides us through the next four years.

                                             Don't hold your breath, breathe for her, our Hero.

Saturday, November 5, 2016

Vacationing - can't remember the name of this place

I've been taking a short vacation from Blogger and Bacefook. Just went back and read what I missed, no point in commenting now. When you're gone for awhile, you fear you might have missed something important and I did, a few somethings.  Obviously all parties have managed.

I've mentioned before that I have PTSD.  I roil back and forth between, "is it a good thing that I lay myself out semi-naked or should I hide?".  Blogger and BF have been calling up a lot of  PTSD questions like that. (Fuck you, Blogger.)  Questions that I have been wrestling with most of my life.   Good enough, not good enough?  Too sad, too silly, too whiny? Wanted not wanted? Too flippant, too tenderhearted? Too serious, not serious enough? Too much the sky is falling or blindly (unrealistically ) optimistic?  Too vulnerable, too....well, forget that one. I'm simply too vulnerable, always have been always will be. My life has made me that way and I'm not going to grow a Godzilla skin or miraculously turn into someone who becomes a motivational speaker and makes a lot of money or someone who has turned their pain into a spirituality that we all admire  --   at this point.  It's one of the things that I've come to realize about myself the most from treading the waters of Blogger and I'm feeling pretty fucking good about my vulnerability. Infinitely vulnerable people are vital to this planet and don't you forget it, seriously.   I'm ok with a lot of bits of myself because of blogging. I realize that if I'm not, I'm going to eat myself up with comparisons, that's my hobby - comparing. You name it, I compare myself to what ever it is that you do/think/are.  But my motto of late is - who gives a fuck.  Although to hone this I do occasionally need to take a break.  It's like an alcoholic who's stopped drinking but keeps going into bars. Someday it won't matter at all but until then you'd better make sure you know what you're doing before you go in.   One day at a time.
                                               I love this fractured face.  Artist unknown.

Oddly, Blogger has been making me see that I am an optimist, of sorts, if you can believe that.   If you get knocked down again and again (thank you Blogger and/or life) and you keep getting up, you are an optimist, (so that would be me!) either that or crazy.  Although I've been hung over the side by my ankles in this life, more times than I allow myself to remember, I've never been dropped and I don't believe I ever will be.  I'm a lover, I love every one, in a way.     In the past I would have apologized for speaking so well of myself... again, thank you Blogger because I especially like this part, you've made me stronger.    I don't very often have an encounter where I am not able to put myself in others shoes, at least for a moment.  You automatically cultivate this when it is something you want so much.  I don't feel that comes my way too often, and that makes me sad, but it doesn't make me loose my grip on this perspective - which is a bloody, fucking, fucking miracle.  My days, every one of them, take me up and down and then up and down again through a circus ride of tears and laughs. I'm not exaggerating when I say I don't think I've had a day in the last 50 years where I have not at least teared up. That's because of the tenderhearted thing, or maybe it's just PTSD. The least little thing of beauty or, God forbid sadness, can make this rise up. I cry at kindness and especially innocence. Some days I can't look at children except for a moment because they are so divine. We walk in the presence of God when we pass them. I don't want to look at them too long either for fear they will see me on the way to tears and think - what the fuck?!  I'll bet you don't do that.  fuck! See, I did it again, the compare shit.    Igettobeme - Idon'thavetobeyou - Igettobeme - Idon'thavetobeyou.  Ahhh, better.

So anyway, Blogger has been beating my ass a bit lately, although as you can see, when it takes it also gives, good things. Or maybe I'm just getting older and more able to turn shitty stuff into not so shitty stuff.  Stay tuned for further results.

On an up note - my whole sinus thing is still fucked!!  Two CT scans (#3 on it's way) too many bouts of meds., an infected tooth that has to be pulled (thank god it's in the very back - but I shall now loose my gold crown, I liked my gold crown. And I am going to have to have an operation on my face/nose? where ever they go to fix your sinus (it's just on one side).  The very worst of all is that my darling girl, Marly is going to have to go back to the vet as she is still not well from a week of bad poops and no appetite.  Lethargic is not a good sign, I am worried.  Pocket book has gone into shock, we have had to have a serious talk and a little crying that resulted in a "get a grip!" finale.  I get sweaty palms whenever I think about it so I don't expect the grip to last too long.

I have, though, through all of this, perfected my belief/theory/vision of God.  Sit down.  God is.....in and out ~~~ Breath ~~~ we are never without it.  It accompanies us in and ushers us out. We all do it, it makes us all the same in that way.  No human being can live without it.  Nothing can live without it. Without it there would be nothing. Our Sacred Breath is Air. As we breathe in Air, my breath mingles with your breath. In essence it becomes one breath. I take you in and whether you want to or not, you take me in.  That in and out is the name of God (can you hear it?) - don't take it in vain - take it with purpose, with reverence, with the understanding that as that Air is commingled, we are ONE.

 And you see... IT"S not male or female. It just is.  I've always known this, I just wound it up into a fairly cohesive thought the other day, I like it.  Anyway, that's what I believe and I'm stickin' to it!

To while away this time, other than all the above profundities, I've been reading:

Ghosty Men      - It's about the Collyer brothers, New York's greatest hoarders.  (Franz Lidz)

Making Monte Carlo     - It's about how Monte Carlo was made...duh.  (Mark Braude)

Cake - a Slice of History    -   Cake, from 878 A.D. to tonight's cake, if you are so lucky as to have 
some.   (Alysa Levene)

The Artist of Disappearance   - Lovely short stories about India.   (Anita Desai)

Hard times    - You could probably see that one coming.   (The illustrious Mr. Charles Dickens)
AND....Putin's Master Plan   - To destroy Europe, divide NATO,  and restore Russian power and global influence (read that as dominance!)   (Douglas Schoen)

Scarrrrry, but a must read for anyone who wants to know what this election is really about. Sorry folks, it's not your taxes or childcare or women's rights (please forgive me) it's about whether the world, as we know it to be now, will continue to exist.  This thing lurking behind the curtain is not a little fat wizard, it is a demon and we never pay enough attention to demons until they strike.   
Just so you know, he is pretty much on his way to achieving his goals. "They" keep it under wraps, they don't want to alarm the children (us). Seriously, well worth the read, if you can stand to be scared.

I like to mix it up a bit. Not just in reading, but in life.

I was going to tell you about my last hike walk of the season.  It has pictures! But this is getting, like usual, too long so I'll save it for next time.  There will be a next time.

Tuesday, October 25, 2016

Nasty? What? Who?

I don't post enough. Somehow I have it in my head that I should only post when I have something of significance to write. And I usually don't.  It's a blatant fact that I never post on Facebook.  I'm computer dyslexic so I can never figure out how to do that "share" thing, plus I don't hardly ever read the news, and I'm not able to find those inspiring one liners that brighten people's days, and I'm not out there trolling for wise women and all the, well, wisdom that they have for us.  But I am immensely grateful that others do. It's one amazing thing after another and I think it all makes me a better, smarter and certainly less complacent woman.  I say with all sincerity, thank you! I really look forward to what you take the time to bring to the table.

(I was going to mention my inability to determine when to make a paragraph, but I really don't give a shit, so I won't bother. I have my own little world of punctuation and grammar that I am sure you mildly enjoy at this point.)

So here's one thing that I am having a bit of trouble with and this may be a totally fucked up post, of no significance at all except to expose my own lack of "smarts", but better to be out front than thrashing around trying to make sense of it all.

What the fuck is a nasty woman?  Of course I know it came from Trumpbutt, and that anything that comes out of his mouth is nasty, but that's not what we're talking about here.   It's going around so much now and getting posted on BaceFook with those "share" things and women are writing prose and poetry, and pissed off, zealous and impassioned articles and I keep sitting here like a dunce saying to myself  'What? What's a nasty woman? Am I one? I think I should be one. I might be one. How do you become one?'

Is it like that thing that used to go around "You are such a bitch. Damn right buddy and glad to be one."? I love that. Because I sure as hell can be one, ask anybody who doesn't like me. Is a bitch the same thing as a nasty woman?  I was standing in line at Ross the other day, love Ross - you wouldn't believe some of the things I've found there - and there was one checker on with a line of 8 people quietly waiting as if this was the thing to do. Sheep, I don't have time anymore to be a sheep, I'm getting old!  Obviously I was in that line. Two guys standing about 10' away from another check out counter, talking like they were at lunch and slowly moving one piece of clothing from one spot on the rack to another.     And one of them, good gawd, was the security guy.  Lucky you over there sticking a King sized set of sheets down your pants!      "HEY, can you two see what's going on here? You need to get up here and help check out! Can't you see this line of  8 people waiting?!".... That might make me a nasty woman, right?  I love to do that shit. I do it a whole lot more lately than I ever did  before. I've had enough, in my long life, to waste any more of it not saying the thing I want to say when someone is being a jerk. Don't think for a minute that I won't say something if you are fucking up your child's life right in front of me.  I'm kind though when doing this, there are some situations where you gotta put it out there but it's best to do it gentle and present, if you know what I mean.  I send back food now if it's shitty or cold or somebodies just slapped it together and still want's all my dollars.  Does that make me a nasty woman?   I always thank the person who holds the door open for me after they have gone out and I do the same, only now I say "your welcome" if they don't at least say thanks.  I think that makes me a nasty woman - but maybe of another sort?

I don't have a job so at least I don't have to put up with all the shit that women have to put up with there. It was terrible when I did have one so god I hope it's gotten better. And I don't date so I don't have to wade through that whole scene because believe me, I am no good at being demure anymore, or giving you the whole night, when I, too, have something to say.  In a lot of situations lately I find myself saying "No, you/I will not do that!" Like if someone tells me that I am going to have to wait over there in the corner while it's plain to see that the person I am waiting for is checking their email...or whatever.  That's pretty nasty, good nasty, bad nasty?  I'm definitely going with good nasty on that one !!  But I'm so confused!  Oh yes, and I do sometimes, late at night watch naughty videos - not porn! -, so could that possibly be a nasty woman?  I hope not! But I really don't care on that one....I live alone for gods sake. ( I also watch cooking shows, how to vids, Kung Fu movies and my favorite 3 short people in the whole wide world, Daehan, Minguk and Manse. So I'm not all bad.)

And maybe I'm just not getting this whole thing at all, maybe I'm just mean or god forbid vapid!  So could someone please just put the damn definition up so that I can figure out if I am one or if I've still got a ways to go.

PS:  I do know one thing for sure - I'm voting for Hillary (and I would 10 times if I could) so I'm certainly a nasty woman in Trumps eye  and I definitely like that kind of nasty!

PSS:  I know I can be a bit mean, or let's call it, no frills direct, and I'm trying to tone it down....a little. I try to be diplomatic with my "meanness". I don't like hurting peoples feelings because I don't like mine hurt. But I've noticed sometimes, that being gentle doesn't impact and the bad behavior just get passed on to the next person.  So I guess I've still got a ways to go, practice makes perfect - nasty.