a slice of my heart

Saturday, June 17, 2017

This is what happened and here's a word of advice for all of us

Watch out                                                       
                                     something bright before I carry on so that you know
                                      I am not a crazy woman. My geranium from last year
                                      my new one is on it's way.

I may loose blogger friends over this, but right now, I don't care. (she said with a wry shrug of her shoulders) but I'm going to speak up and I know full well that it will cross blogger boundaries. I can not carry two painful burdens at once, I am sick and a terrible burden has been placed on me in this blogger world. I am a vulnerable person and sick or healthy, I am not going to take this kind of shit.  I will not slip quietly into the night. Most especially, not at this time in my life. I'm pretty sure I would have at any other time, but when you're this sick - something just snaps.

I suspended my blog on Wednesday 6/7.  I did so because I have breast cancer.  It is (was) a small tumor near my right underarm. It was removed on Tuesday 6/13. There is still a lot of treatment to go and then the psychological healing - that takes the longest.  I had breast cancer in my right breast in 1990.  I think it came because of massive stress and a diet of hamburgers and gin. This time I think it is entirely stress. (sadly I don't do hamburgers and gin anymore) I didn't want to share that information because  -- I'm sick and tired of being the one that people have to feel sorry for.  The one that brings heavy shit to the table because her life is full of heavy shit.  I didn't want to be perceived as being weak and needing sympathy. (and I still don't) I wanted to leave the room quietly and just do what needs to be done.  I don't want people to feel they have to "take care of me....fix me".  I've said those words before, if anyone is paying attention.  I only want respect for the courage to live a challenging life.

That is the sole, single reason that I made that decision and wrote the post.  It had absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with any other human being or any other situation !!  

 In that last post, I said that I was lonely and confused...duh... at this point who wouldn't be. How could anyone have something like this happen to them in a life that is already carrying the lose of a home and the immediate death of their mother following that.  The lose of a good part of an inheritance because of someones greed. Five years spent trying to help the most wonderful woman in the world conquer alcoholism (who btw is doing great) and the enormous lose of financial security that comes with that.....and shit and shit and shit and now I'm still paying off an operation from three months ago and fuckkkkkking more bills and finally, I am faced with paying $1,500 a month in rent which is double what I've been paying. How on earth could you not be confused? How could you not wonder "what the fuck has happened to my life"! when you look around at the, pretty much, ok-ness that surrounds you.

And so now, on top of all of that, everything that I have to deal with .....  I get shut down, shut out and gossiped about by another woman that I have loved, cherished and supported, really supported....because somehow she managed to take that post and make it all about her. How the fuck could anyone determine that that post was about anyone but me????  If you want to think that this is gossip, go ahead, I'm not categorizing this telling as anything but balm for a soul that has just been driven over

(I don't care who's shocked or offended by what I'm saying here.  I feel like I'm just about to lose it big time.)

This talented and amazing woman, who shares a lot of love with this world, without one word of discourse, because of her misperception,  immediately "unfriended" me everywhere - Jesus, I hate that fucking word!! -  locked me out of her blog and Facebook and refuses to have any contact whatsoever.  And this ain't the first time. The first time, it was shocking, I tried to help her understand and heal from her confusion, even though I was humiliated by her public rant, which I forgave. There was understanding and renewed connection, because I helped her. This time, I am fucking, fucking blown away! I reached out to her again, I put my fucking blown mind aside and was met by utter silence.  And let me tell you, having been on the end of that sort of thing with a very dysfunctional family, I know the damage silence can do.  There's a Facebook quip about "the angry words of an enemy can never hurt as much as the silence of a friend", silence is a killer. It's the ultimate passive aggressive behavior.  I'm too, too old to take blame for someone else's behavior.

Now a very close friend of hers....... (again,I know what I'm doing here is crossing a line, I know I've lost these two women forever    - and I may loose more for doing this -    but this is like a second cancer and it's tooo much !!)......... has done the same thing. A woman that I thought was a real friend, a new but sympatico and amazingly smart and good, good hearted woman has done the same thing.  Not one single word in response to a couple of emails....silence.  That confounds me even more. I have treasured these two brilliant women but they have gotten it wrong. Heartbroken doesn't even come close.

Now let me tell you folks -- adults don't do silence.  Adults dig for the truth.  They work and work hard to find that truth and preserve a love if there is any way possible to do that.  And that takes courage and overt compassion and fucking words !!!  It is imperative that we speak, otherwise love has no chance of surviving. Never assume. It is beneath you and hurts someone who could very well be completely innocent .... like me. Yeah, fuck, me!   --- 

I said in the post that I wanted to come back lighter, healing physically and emotionally, can do that for you. But now, no, it will be a long time before I feel safe here, this kind of healing takes real time, at least for me it does.  But I will write again, I'm not so weak that I would give that up. It's important to me. There are women and a dear man here who I can rely on, I have that, and I am saved by that.  I did not come here today to hurt anyone, that's the truth, I came here to help myself.  And this kind of shit, on top of a serious illness, I won't put up with it. I'm just too fucking tired to have any kind of patience. Blogger can be a place of great comfort and sharing, beauty and laughs, but it can also be a very dangerous place.

(I feel like I'm channeling that ballsy Lidia Yuknavitch)

 If this last year has not taught us to stand in solidarity and compassion for one another, I don't know what ever will. So let me give you a little tiny bit of advice -  if in your life you have a problem with another person, please, as I said before, give yourself and them the dignity of communication. You may just find that what you think happened, didn't actually happen at all. You can save a friendship that way and prevent a lot of pain. I will always miss these women, always. Fuck!  And I am so very sad that this has happened, but it was not in my control in any way.

I'm holding on to Elizabeth's words: "There is NO WAY any of us know where our lives will lead us. I am convinced, again, that it's as important not to despair when things are shitty as it is to feel grateful when they're good. Nothing is permanent, ever." That's my mantra now.

So, I'm going to go do something nice for myself, and get back to healing my tired old body and spirit, because cancer, in all it's forms will not take me down. But it will take me out for awhile.

Wednesday, June 7, 2017

Great and Sincere

It's a sad day for me.  I am suspending my blog and my Facebook account. I don't foresee being back until August or maybe later.  I'm not closing it, because I truly do hope to come back.

This is a very, very stressful time for me.  It's pretty much equal to loosing my house and my mom at the same time a  couple of years ago.

I'm finding it impossible to come here and share the details of this time and all the stress that comes with it. I feel that I bring too much unhappiness and want to come back with something positive to share. I'll feel a whole lot better when I am able to do that! With all that is happening in my life, I'm also not able to absorb what is being shared here and on Facebook.  I come away sometimes, confused and a little bit lonelier and that's not good for me. I need to find another way of grounding myself and I will, the god's are good.

There isn't a single person that I have met and been involved with here that I don't cherish. I have received so much and my gratitude is great and sincere.

I won't be answering any comments and will shut them down in a few days.  My email will stay open, I don't want to completely loose touch.

Summer is the best time to heal and I'm looking forward to that, I'm looking forward to filling it with good things!
                          Already, one of the good things. Early harvest from my little garden!
I hope yours is filled with all the good things too!

Much love and gratitude to all !

Friday, May 12, 2017

An Early Wish To Mothers around the world


               THANK YOU 💗

I post the following every year to honor all the mother's that don't fit the standard image or definition of what we think of when we think of this day. This time I want to add my best wishes also to those who mother, not recognized for what they contribute to the world.

You are seen, you of other genders who mother. You who mother your neighbors children. You who mother animals. You who mother through your financial contributions to children in need.  You teachers who provide mothering to children who might not receive enough at home. You who mother foster children. And for all the children who have to mother themselves. You are no less to be honored today than any other mother who gives succor and safety and Love.

               THANK YOU 💗

"Mothers in shelters. Mothers separated from their children for reasons they don't understand.  Mothers grieving at the graves of departed children gone before their time and mothers sitting at the beds of terminally ill children.  Mothers in prison and mothers separated from their children because of their own addictions.  Mothers without hope who are mourning children who have been taken by spouses who's whereabouts are not known. Mothers holding hungry babies in refugee camps. Mothers whose children have been hurt or disabled in ways neither they nor we can reason nor change. Mothers who have been forgotten by their children today. All mothers suffering every where in this world.   And most especially to mothers, who today, have lost a child."

               THANK YOU 💗


                photo by H.G. Kaiser circa 1915


Thursday, May 4, 2017

Dang Blogrolls

I'm having some trouble with my blog.  The list that shows on my "blog manage" page has 24 blogs that I follow and love.  The list on my blog page in the blog roll that goes down the left side only shows 16 of those.

The blogs that don't show up are:

# 1 Summer's End
# 2 Interim Arrangements
# 3 Luncindaville
# 4 My Lily Pad
# 5 Salt On My Tongue
# 6 Stuff From Ellen's Head
# 7 The Accidental Thanatologist
# 8 The Dishwashers Tears

These are all blogs that I love and they show up on my "feed" whenever they post. Otherwise I would not know they posted and therefore could not comment and I am able to successfully do that, and do. All 24 are listed as "following publicly".
Even when I copy one and then erase it and put it in again and hit "public"..........it still won't show up on my blog page.
Does anyone know how I can get them to show up on my blog?
I have been trying for 3 days, every single thing that I can think off.  I even deleted some of them off the manage page and posted them again to see if that would work....nothing.  Its driving me crazy !!!!

I don't want anyone's feelings to be hurt, but I am at my wits end.