I am not a crazy woman. My geranium from last year
my new one is on it's way.
I may loose blogger friends over this, but right now, I don't care. (she said with a wry shrug of her shoulders) but I'm going to speak up and I know full well that it will cross blogger boundaries. I can not carry two painful burdens at once, I am sick and a terrible burden has been placed on me in this blogger world. I am a vulnerable person and sick or healthy, I am not going to take this kind of shit. I will not slip quietly into the night. Most especially, not at this time in my life. I'm pretty sure I would have at any other time, but when you're this sick - something just snaps.
I suspended my blog on Wednesday 6/7. I did so because I have breast cancer. It is (was) a small tumor near my right underarm. It was removed on Tuesday 6/13. There is still a lot of treatment to go and then the psychological healing - that takes the longest. I had breast cancer in my right breast in 1990. I think it came because of massive stress and a diet of hamburgers and gin. This time I think it is entirely stress. (sadly I don't do hamburgers and gin anymore) I didn't want to share that information because -- I'm sick and tired of being the one that people have to feel sorry for. The one that brings heavy shit to the table because her life is full of heavy shit. I didn't want to be perceived as being weak and needing sympathy. (and I still don't) I wanted to leave the room quietly and just do what needs to be done. I don't want people to feel they have to "take care of me....fix me". I've said those words before, if anyone is paying attention. I only want respect for the courage to live a challenging life.
That is the sole, single reason that I made that decision and wrote the post. It had absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with any other human being or any other situation !!
In that last post, I said that I was lonely and confused...duh... at this point who wouldn't be. How could anyone have something like this happen to them in a life that is already carrying the lose of a home and the immediate death of their mother following that. The lose of a good part of an inheritance because of someones greed. Five years spent trying to help the most wonderful woman in the world conquer alcoholism (who btw is doing great) and the enormous lose of financial security that comes with that.....and shit and shit and shit and now I'm still paying off an operation from three months ago and fuckkkkkking more bills and finally, I am faced with paying $1,500 a month in rent which is double what I've been paying. How on earth could you not be confused? How could you not wonder "what the fuck has happened to my life"! when you look around at the, pretty much, ok-ness that surrounds you.
And so now, on top of all of that, everything that I have to deal with ..... I get shut down, shut out and gossiped about by another woman that I have loved, cherished and supported, really supported....because somehow she managed to take that post and make it all about her. How the fuck could anyone determine that that post was about anyone but me???? If you want to think that this is gossip, go ahead, I'm not categorizing this telling as anything but balm for a soul that has just been driven over
(I don't care who's shocked or offended by what I'm saying here. I feel like I'm just about to lose it big time.)
This talented and amazing woman, who shares a lot of love with this world, without one word of discourse, because of her misperception, immediately "unfriended" me everywhere - Jesus, I hate that fucking word!! - locked me out of her blog and Facebook and refuses to have any contact whatsoever. And this ain't the first time. The first time, it was shocking, I tried to help her understand and heal from her confusion, even though I was humiliated by her public rant, which I forgave. There was understanding and renewed connection, because I helped her. This time, I am fucking, fucking blown away! I reached out to her again, I put my fucking blown mind aside and was met by utter silence. And let me tell you, having been on the end of that sort of thing with a very dysfunctional family, I know the damage silence can do. There's a Facebook quip about "the angry words of an enemy can never hurt as much as the silence of a friend", silence is a killer. It's the ultimate passive aggressive behavior. I'm too, too old to take blame for someone else's behavior.
Now a very close friend of hers....... (again,I know what I'm doing here is crossing a line, I know I've lost these two women forever - and I may loose more for doing this - but this is like a second cancer and it's tooo much !!)......... has done the same thing. A woman that I thought was a real friend, a new but sympatico and amazingly smart and good, good hearted woman has done the same thing. Not one single word in response to a couple of emails....silence. That confounds me even more. I have treasured these two brilliant women but they have gotten it wrong. Heartbroken doesn't even come close.
Now let me tell you folks -- adults don't do silence. Adults dig for the truth. They work and work hard to find that truth and preserve a love if there is any way possible to do that. And that takes courage and overt compassion and fucking words !!! It is imperative that we speak, otherwise love has no chance of surviving. Never assume. It is beneath you and hurts someone who could very well be completely innocent .... like me. Yeah, fuck, me! ---
I said in the post that I wanted to come back lighter, healing physically and emotionally, can do that for you. But now, no, it will be a long time before I feel safe here, this kind of healing takes real time, at least for me it does. But I will write again, I'm not so weak that I would give that up. It's important to me. There are women and a dear man here who I can rely on, I have that, and I am saved by that. I did not come here today to hurt anyone, that's the truth, I came here to help myself. And this kind of shit, on top of a serious illness, I won't put up with it. I'm just too fucking tired to have any kind of patience. Blogger can be a place of great comfort and sharing, beauty and laughs, but it can also be a very dangerous place.
(I feel like I'm channeling that ballsy Lidia Yuknavitch)
If this last year has not taught us to stand in solidarity and compassion for one another, I don't know what ever will. So let me give you a little tiny bit of advice - if in your life you have a problem with another person, please, as I said before, give yourself and them the dignity of communication. You may just find that what you think happened, didn't actually happen at all. You can save a friendship that way and prevent a lot of pain. I will always miss these women, always. Fuck! And I am so very sad that this has happened, but it was not in my control in any way.
I'm holding on to Elizabeth's words: "There is NO WAY any of us know where our lives will lead us. I am convinced, again, that it's as important not to despair when things are shitty as it is to feel grateful when they're good. Nothing is permanent, ever." That's my mantra now.
So, I'm going to go do something nice for myself, and get back to healing my tired old body and spirit, because cancer, in all it's forms will not take me down. But it will take me out for awhile.