I don't know. I've been thinking of writing this post for a long time, but I've always been too scared. I guess I thought people will think I am a "goody two-shoes" (funnny saying). Or maybe that I am preaching or pointing fingers or simply being critical...oh, self righteous comes to mind. But I'm pretty sure I'm not, I just want to express what I think - and I think a lot. My daughter says that's not such a good thing. And lord, I just wrote a post that ended with the thought that we don't need to apologize for, nor edit what we think. That applies to me and everyone else that I am abstractly indicating here.
I have a very visual mind. I've always been that way. When I was little I could see intense images when someone told a story, to the point of getting a chill, physically, when there was a story about cold or rain. Or having to shield my eyes or blink when there was talk of a hot summer day that someone remembered. It's weird. I don't always like it, but sometimes I do, very much. And I can get pretty agitated with images when there is a mention of violence. Although I like to watch Kung Fu movies...so gheez, go figure. Don't think I haven't been told I'm contradictory.
So anyway, lately, well, a long lately, I've been bothered by two words. Two words commonly used so it's hard to get away from them.
They're used as expressions of anger, violence, disgust, condemnation, frustration, to humiliate or maybe to express in an abstract way something that the sayer just can't find other words to describe. And I suppose maybe even in humor, oddly.
I see very intensely someone fucking a mother. Your mother, my mother, their mother...mothers. I can understand a man saying that who hates women in general or, tragically, his own mother. But mothers are sacred. Is that fact suspended? Is it negated in the moment, is it forgotten or is it simply not believed at all? I wasn't especially close to my mother, we suffered a lot in our relationship. I can not say that I hated her, (and I'm not delusional enough to think that I don't hate, I do hate somethings) but no, I would not want that to happen to her, in violence or anger and certainly not to humiliate her. I'm not sure why women say it.
And douche, douche bag. Once again, it's about women. This is something private, very private that women do to take care of their bodies. Especially in terms of menstruation, a sacred thing in my opinion, and maybe necessary after birthing and then there's sex. It is private, something that I think should not be discussed with any motivation of anger or disgust or whatever else that is negative and seeks to dishonor women.
I see them, the mothers, the women, when I hear those words. I see it happening to them, a violent sexual act. I feel their pain, physically. I feel a woman's embarrassment when such a private activity of cleansing is exposed. My body actually gets hot with the implied shame. I feel intensely the vehement disrespect when a man uses them, well yeah, even sometimes when women do (who I think are maybe not even thinking of women) Whatever... All I'm saying is that it stops me. Stops my thinking for a moment and replaces it with feeling. A feeling I don't like.
Everybody has a right to say whatever they want in whatever meaning or intention. I'm not arguing that. And I certainly use the word fuck, it's part of my everyday language, but I'm getting a little tired of that too. And my daughter never uses it, astounding to me given the fact that she's heard it all her life.
Women seem to be using them a lot now, like I said, I'm not sure why. I'm not sure of the intention behind it when it comes from a woman. These words have obviously become a part, even a casual part, of our vernacular.
I don't know, maybe I'm a prude (what exactly does that word mean..?). Maybe I'm just not with the times. I adore some people who use it and I am frightened by some who do. Perhaps I am too sensitive, that's probably the most used description of me.
I know those words are not going to disappear from common use. I'm not trying to change that, although I would like it to change. But I also know I can't stop being such a visual person and sometimes it's a real fucking drag. So these two words make me very sad.