Thursday, May 28, 2015

Will wonders never cease?



Unbelievable !  Simply unbelievable... 65...I turned 65 today. May 28th, 1950 to Now! How the hell did that happen?  50, I could believe, but once past then I lost all recognition of any more passage.  It just didn't seem possible.  Old people get old, not people like me!  But past that indeed I went just like anyone else.  In this I am normal. Ha!

This is what I woke to :

        




My daughter left it so that I would find it first thing out of bed. The potato chips are a joke.  When she was little and things were tough for either of us, we would say...potato chips and squirt?  It was like a blues chaser.  I no longer care for squirt but who can resist potato chips, I ask you??  Especially when they say this:




I told her she couldn't get a card that cost any more than  $.99 - so she went to the dollar store and got me a "have a nice wedding shower" card, writing on the inside that I didn't not specify what kind of card! She always makes me laugh. So a laugh and flowers and a treat first thing is the way to start a great birthday....it's the way I'd like to start any day!

E had been pushing the day before.  What are you going to do tomorrow to celebrate?  What are you going to do to recognize your birthday?  You know, Mom, this is a special day for you.  What will you give yourself?  I couldn't answer her because I couldn't quite understand. I had no vision - no experience to call upon.  But late last night a little bell went off in my head.  Suddenly there was a feeling inside of me of....adventure.  A kind of childlike feeling of anticipation.  The thought suddenly became real that I could give myself a gift.  That this was a beginning...65...a beginning. I could, if I chose, create something I had never seen before..never seen for myself.

I have struggled with a sense of deserving forever, always giving to others but never thinking that I could have what I gave.  Dreading my birthday as if it were a burden on others -  poo, pooing it as if it was of no importance, no significance.  And certainly giving myself no celebration.  In fact, giving myself nothing.





So this morning,  I made a list of all the things I wanted to experience today:


Mindfulness    -    envisioning a happy outcome for my life    -    loving being 65    -   breathing in the sweetness of all the things in my life that bring me love, strength, security, beauty, succor and sanctuary    -   and for the first time in my life,  giving this day to me.

First I made a lovely breakfast and miraculously got my tea absolutely spot on perfect...heaven.
I saw a happy face in the mirror as I prepared myself for joy.
I drove myself to my friend, Bernadettes' shop, purchased -Yes! - I actually bought myself something (wonder upon wonder) that was extravagant and beautiful and filled a gaping hole that had been left by the loss of all my beautiful things when I lost my home.  See below....



It's a lovely old English cabinet with a desk in the middle!  Bernadette is kind, kind, kind and let me have it for a Steal, and I don't mean that lightly. I had been hopelessly coveting it for months - and today there was courage in place of  sadness and longing. I get to pay for it on layaway, which will still take me forever as I can only afford a pittance a month...but still, I will have something to store my books in, someplace to sit and write and it will feed me with it's beauty. 

Then I went and bought myself a piece of  Double Chocolate Cake and a glass of cold milk and read my book for as long as I wanted.

Tomorrow there will be a picnic, E is off for the day.  There will be fried chicken, potato salad, corn on the cob and watermelon in the Rose Gardens at Washington Park.  (Google it - Portland, Oregon.)  What more could anyone ask for?

Now I am home to a quiet night and that is perfect too.
I achieved everything on my list - I am sated.

I'm realistic though,  things may slip back, things will slip back, but maybe not as far back.   And for tonight, they are not in the room. Tonight is safe and happy.

Sunday, May 10, 2015

seeing another world

                                                  
                                                     
          My Mom with my brother and sister and me, lower right corner
                                              Beverly Fisher 1928 - 2015

Happy Mother's Day to all the lovely moms whose blogs I read and who share their joys and their sorrows and their insights with me. I learn from you and laugh with you and occasionally cry with you.  And it all makes me a better mother.  Thank you.

It is not a happy day here except vicariously through your joy..  Last night was a hard night, with excuses and  entreaties and lots of pain on both sides. Addiction doesn't always take time off for holidays. E is gone for the day to give me time in peace and I hope to try to find her way, if only for one day. But next weekend might bring a celebration when enough time has passed to sweeten Love.

And no matter what, being a mom is divine, it brings a lot of gifts and a lot of Love under many  different guises.

But today is also a day to take time to remember and send Love to mothers who are truly suffering all over the world, on a day that maybe belongs to them, more than any of us
.
Mothers in shelters. Mothers separated from their children for reasons they don't understand.  Mothers grieving at the graves of departed children gone before their time and mothers sitting at the beds of terminally ill children.  Mothers in prison and mothers separated from their children because of their own addiction.  Mothers mourning children who have been taken by spouses who's whereabouts are not known and mothers, without hope, holding hungry babies in refugee camps. Mothers trying to console children hurt in ways neither they nor we can reason nor understand. All mothers suffering every where in this world.   And most especially to mothers who today have lost a child.

                                            
                                                                source unknown

              It is an honor to acknowledge them today and to wish them peace and Love and solace.