Unbelievable ! Simply unbelievable... 65...I turned 65 today. May 28th, 1950 to Now! How the hell did that happen? 50, I could believe, but once past then I lost all recognition of any more passage. It just didn't seem possible. Old people get old, not people like me! But past that indeed I went just like anyone else. In this I am normal. Ha!
This is what I woke to :
My daughter left it so that I would find it first thing out of bed. The potato chips are a joke. When she was little and things were tough for either of us, we would say...potato chips and squirt? It was like a blues chaser. I no longer care for squirt but who can resist potato chips, I ask you?? Especially when they say this:
I told her she couldn't get a card that cost any more than $.99 - so she went to the dollar store and got me a "have a nice wedding shower" card, writing on the inside that I didn't not specify what kind of card! She always makes me laugh. So a laugh and flowers and a treat first thing is the way to start a great birthday....it's the way I'd like to start any day!
E had been pushing the day before. What are you going to do tomorrow to celebrate? What are you going to do to recognize your birthday? You know, Mom, this is a special day for you. What will you give yourself? I couldn't answer her because I couldn't quite understand. I had no vision - no experience to call upon. But late last night a little bell went off in my head. Suddenly there was a feeling inside of me of....adventure. A kind of childlike feeling of anticipation. The thought suddenly became real that I could give myself a gift. That this was a beginning...65...a beginning. I could, if I chose, create something I had never seen before..never seen for myself.
I have struggled with a sense of deserving forever, always giving to others but never thinking that I could have what I gave. Dreading my birthday as if it were a burden on others - poo, pooing it as if it was of no importance, no significance. And certainly giving myself no celebration. In fact, giving myself nothing.
So this morning, I made a list of all the things I wanted to experience today:
Mindfulness - envisioning a happy outcome for my life - loving being 65 - breathing in the sweetness of all the things in my life that bring me love, strength, security, beauty, succor and sanctuary - and for the first time in my life, giving this day to me.
First I made a lovely breakfast and miraculously got my tea absolutely spot on perfect...heaven.
I saw a happy face in the mirror as I prepared myself for joy.
I drove myself to my friend, Bernadettes' shop, purchased -Yes! - I actually bought myself something (wonder upon wonder) that was extravagant and beautiful and filled a gaping hole that had been left by the loss of all my beautiful things when I lost my home. See below....
It's a lovely old English cabinet with a desk in the middle! Bernadette is kind, kind, kind and let me have it for a Steal, and I don't mean that lightly. I had been hopelessly coveting it for months - and today there was courage in place of sadness and longing. I get to pay for it on layaway, which will still take me forever as I can only afford a pittance a month...but still, I will have something to store my books in, someplace to sit and write and it will feed me with it's beauty.
Then I went and bought myself a piece of Double Chocolate Cake and a glass of cold milk and read my book for as long as I wanted.
Tomorrow there will be a picnic, E is off for the day. There will be fried chicken, potato salad, corn on the cob and watermelon in the Rose Gardens at Washington Park. (Google it - Portland, Oregon.) What more could anyone ask for?
Now I am home to a quiet night and that is perfect too.
I achieved everything on my list - I am sated.
I'm realistic though, things may slip back, things will slip back, but maybe not as far back. And for tonight, they are not in the room. Tonight is safe and happy.