Thursday, May 28, 2015

Will wonders never cease?

Unbelievable !  Simply unbelievable... 65...I turned 65 today. May 28th, 1950 to Now! How the hell did that happen?  50, I could believe, but once past then I lost all recognition of any more passage.  It just didn't seem possible.  Old people get old, not people like me!  But past that indeed I went just like anyone else.  In this I am normal. Ha!

This is what I woke to :


My daughter left it so that I would find it first thing out of bed. The potato chips are a joke.  When she was little and things were tough for either of us, we would say...potato chips and squirt?  It was like a blues chaser.  I no longer care for squirt but who can resist potato chips, I ask you??  Especially when they say this:

I told her she couldn't get a card that cost any more than  $.99 - so she went to the dollar store and got me a "have a nice wedding shower" card, writing on the inside that I didn't not specify what kind of card! She always makes me laugh. So a laugh and flowers and a treat first thing is the way to start a great's the way I'd like to start any day!

E had been pushing the day before.  What are you going to do tomorrow to celebrate?  What are you going to do to recognize your birthday?  You know, Mom, this is a special day for you.  What will you give yourself?  I couldn't answer her because I couldn't quite understand. I had no vision - no experience to call upon.  But late last night a little bell went off in my head.  Suddenly there was a feeling inside of me of....adventure.  A kind of childlike feeling of anticipation.  The thought suddenly became real that I could give myself a gift.  That this was a beginning...65...a beginning. I could, if I chose, create something I had never seen before..never seen for myself.

I have struggled with a sense of deserving forever, always giving to others but never thinking that I could have what I gave.  Dreading my birthday as if it were a burden on others -  poo, pooing it as if it was of no importance, no significance.  And certainly giving myself no celebration.  In fact, giving myself nothing.

So this morning,  I made a list of all the things I wanted to experience today:

Mindfulness    -    envisioning a happy outcome for my life    -    loving being 65    -   breathing in the sweetness of all the things in my life that bring me love, strength, security, beauty, succor and sanctuary    -   and for the first time in my life,  giving this day to me.

First I made a lovely breakfast and miraculously got my tea absolutely spot on perfect...heaven.
I saw a happy face in the mirror as I prepared myself for joy.
I drove myself to my friend, Bernadettes' shop, purchased -Yes! - I actually bought myself something (wonder upon wonder) that was extravagant and beautiful and filled a gaping hole that had been left by the loss of all my beautiful things when I lost my home.  See below....

It's a lovely old English cabinet with a desk in the middle!  Bernadette is kind, kind, kind and let me have it for a Steal, and I don't mean that lightly. I had been hopelessly coveting it for months - and today there was courage in place of  sadness and longing. I get to pay for it on layaway, which will still take me forever as I can only afford a pittance a month...but still, I will have something to store my books in, someplace to sit and write and it will feed me with it's beauty. 

Then I went and bought myself a piece of  Double Chocolate Cake and a glass of cold milk and read my book for as long as I wanted.

Tomorrow there will be a picnic, E is off for the day.  There will be fried chicken, potato salad, corn on the cob and watermelon in the Rose Gardens at Washington Park.  (Google it - Portland, Oregon.)  What more could anyone ask for?

Now I am home to a quiet night and that is perfect too.
I achieved everything on my list - I am sated.

I'm realistic though,  things may slip back, things will slip back, but maybe not as far back.   And for tonight, they are not in the room. Tonight is safe and happy.