Thursday, November 10, 2016

I need a little help from my friends

I don't know how to explain what is happening here. It's another world of pain on top of that political shit. I keep hearing people say things like.....rah, rah, rah we shall overcome...etc.  I even say them, and I hold a speck of hope in that, and then there's let your mourning out, let your anger out, and I hear that too and they could both be said  for what's happening here, in my house. It's a kind of vortex. It's a  weighted thing. It's this political stuff, yes, but it's a whole lot more.

My daughter who is gay is spinning in her brain.  She is feeling ripped apart knowing that he and the rest of them will take away - and this isn't a maybe, this is a fact - her right to marry the person she wants to. She is overwhelmed with the thought that she will be loosing her health insurance and knowing that she couldn't afford private coverage. I try to say things to her that will relieve some of the anxiety and they all sound so empty. I can't help her and the panic rises in me. She is about 9 months sober, bless her heart, and I don't fear that she will drink but I know the anguish she is going through trying to hold in that place. I'm eating too much and not drinking enough water and I wish I could have a drink - but I would never do that in front of her.  But I  w a n t  one.

My beloved darling cat, Marley, who has been quickly declining, was diagnosed with cancer of the intestines and spleen.  This is surreal.  She was fine, brought me a baby mouse about 6 weeks ago and overjoyed when she presented it.  She was just trying to sneak out of the gate, playing with the string on the blinds, demanding that I get up right NOW and give her her breakfast and now she can hardly eat, she is declining fast. Nothing in her body is working quite right and I know she is so, so confused about it all. I also know that she realizes that she is very sick. She doesn't want me to leave her side and I don't want to leave her side.

I've been sick with all this shit in my sinuses and my tooth and I'm so physically, mentally and spiritually tired. I don't want to run away from any of it. They need me and I need them. But none of the things that usually get me through are workin' their stuff right now.  We all three, although we are here together in this house and loving and supporting each other,  feel so alone. It's scary.  I know it's not going to last forever, but f u c k, I'm here right now and it's happening.  I want to wake up in a different world, with my daughter not frightened and my cat healthy and in no pain - and me in no pain.  I want to wake up tomorrow feeling like I did last month when nobody was scared other than the normal - I'm alive on this planet and life sucks / life is sweet.  And I don't want to wake up tomorrow.  Every morning for these last two weeks has been accompanied by panic. I want to be strong and help and I know I am, as much as my clumsy self is able - and I want to get in the corner and cry till it all goes away.

I have one friend in this city to talk to but like everyone else she is just human, she has a life of her own full of complications so it's not often that we can be together. I have my therapist who I had to cancel our last meeting because of doctor stuff for my darling, and now she is on vacation for two weeks. I dashed to the store this morning to get Marley treats, she will eat a tiny bit of them, and some salad from the deli counter (that was for me). The girl behind said "have a good day" and I didn't reply, she thought I had turned away when she said "and don't ever come back", because I didn't reply!.... I didn't even react. Nothing matters right now except what is happening within this house.

I don't want to read blogs, I don't want to read Facebook, I don't want to comment, I don't want to feel anything when someone comments on me or doesn't .  But this and Facebook are the only places  I have to go to right now and that makes me feel physically ill. I want to scream but I will wake Marley and upset my daughter, so I just keep crying because that's all I can do.

I've made a fluffy warm bed behind the couch for her because that's pretty much the only place she wants to be.  And my daughter just got back from making a late night candy-run to the 7/11 and is, hopefully, watching Netflix to distract her own panic.  And me?  I'm taking a pill or maybe two and I'm going to sleep and then maybe the knot in my stomach will stop bleeding fear.

 

23 comments:

  1. I hear you luv. This shit is fucking real. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. As always, I am glad you spoke your truth, because as it turns out it is also the truth for so many of us. It is good not to feel alone.

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    1. Colette, thank you so much for showing up for me. Most of my fear and pain is about my little family here - my daughter, my darling cat and myself. This dark, dark time in our history makes everything so much harder, so more poignant and heavier to carry. You have such a voice of reason in your blog, I'm so glad I found you.

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  2. Oh, Liv! My heart breaks for you and your darling Marley. It breaks for all of us for whatever lies ahead. Sending love.
    xoxo
    Barbara

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    1. Dear Barbara, you are so kind to keep coming here. I always look forward to seeing you and so very much appreciate your kind words.

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  3. Hello, we haven't met before, but I wanted to tell you these things. I lost my beloved Teddy and Midge - my cats this summer very quickly. Teddy in a day. I have gotten over the crush, but still worry over my weenie girls who are now 11. They are my children. I wish I did not love animals so, they never let you down and I know of no other way. I too am devastated over the election and it will take a long time for me to get over it. I'm posting Desiderata today. If you still remember it from the sixties, it was written in 1927. Perhaps it will help.

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    1. I don't know how you found me Donna, but I am so glad you did and I was very comforted by reading Desiderata that you so generously posted today. I think you really understand the heartache of loosing a dearly, dearly beloved pet. Thank you

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  4. Holding you here in my heart and in my brain right now. Love.

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    1. I can not think of a safer place to be, my darling love. xoxoxoxo I love you.

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  5. I think we're all feeling beyond out of sorts, liv. Hang in there and feel it all.

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    1. You're really doing a wonderful thing with your writing, Elizabeth. It's helping a lot of people, thanks.

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  6. If a stranger's thoughts and prayers for your well-being and peace of mind would be welcome, I'm sending good thoughts your way. I dropped in from Donna's blog, and am amazed at your fortitude amidst all this heaped upon you right now. I so feel in my heart your love for your kitty, and the so-real swell in your heart for your daughter and her concerns.

    May you all find sweet rest and an easing of the burden of all these troubles.

    rachel

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    1. This is such a kind and thoughtful thing that you did, offering me your caring words. A little help from my friends goes a long way in actually easing the burden. Thank you.

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  7. I'm so sorry about your kitty. the sky certainly seems to be falling on many of us. and your experience shows just how uncivil our population has become.

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  8. It's not going to end for a long time, is it Ellen?
    But I love your fierceness on your Blog and on Facebook. You're a warrior and we need them right now.

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  9. I have no words, Liv. But if your daughter ever wants to marry she can come here to my home in Canada and can get married in my back yard. I know it is a pittance but I can offer you only that. And you will come to of course. Much love to you. I'm serious. So much. And Liv, I want to send you a little something. Would you mind sending me your address? You can pm me of Facebook.

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    1. Thank you! I told her and she said, "How sweet, where's Canada?"
      So much love back to you, Birdie. You're my rock, my funny, sweet rock. (well, not like a rock - rock, but more like a peony, that's my favorite flower or maybe a rose, you are a rose for sure!)
      PM-ing you in a minute.

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    2. Lol. Please tell me she was joking!

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  10. And I am sorry about your cat. That is the last thing you need right now, my lovely Livia.

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    1. Long live your darling Norbert. He has the best Mom ever.x

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  11. Liv, I know how I found you, I came over from Donna Baker's blog. She had the wonderful post up after the horrible election. I'm not sure how we've never "met" before, I am on John Gray's blog all the time. I'm going to add you to our blog roll on our blog. My partner and I are still reeling from the election but my grief and shock is slowly turning into anger.

    As for your dear sweet kitty, we'll be sending warm thoughts your direction. We've been through this twice in the last few years and have two more fur babies at home, one who is 16. Please know that we are thinking of you.

    And we'll all get through this next 4 years together.

    Big hugs from Texas!

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    1. That's incredible, Donna and John, what nice people to have in common. Thank you so much for such a lovely comment.
      Aren't we all - reeling, spinning and clutching each other for comfort.
      Thank you for your thoughts about darling Marley. She sort of had a firm poop today, (I would Never say that to anyone except people who Truly love their pets!)but still, there's only a little bit more time and I don't want to admit it so I'm just grabbing at invisible straws.
      Anyway, thank you for commenting, it really made me feel good.

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  12. So much to Process all at once, my Heart aches for you and your precious Family. It is a difficult time right now, I have no words really to make it NOT a difficult time right now. But you are not Alone and I do Hope you will stay connected here in this Wonderful Community of The Land of Blog while you Process all of this pain, hurt and uncertainty. It's nice to come to a Safe place to just Be. Virtual Hugs from the Arizona Desert... Dawn... The Bohemian

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  13. Thank you, Dawn, for your kind words I appreciate them very much.

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