Sunday, April 16, 2017

It's my turn

Today was an extremely hard day.
It's been that way for awhile...the panic attacks.

Sunday is the day I always give my daughter alone time, but I've been feeling bad in a lot of ways, physically, psychologically, heart and soul.
I didn't want to go today, but she said she needed it, and I know she does. She really does. She blossoms on these days and it's lovely to see, I feel lucky to see it.
So I sucked it up and gathered my things - I have a little list now of things to take and things to do, they're always the same.  But I forgot it was Easter.  The stores I usually go to,  just to walk around and browse, ( I can not spend money right now) were all closed...the holiday.  The movie theater was jam packed and I don't do well with crowds like that.  Why the fuck does everyone go to the movies on Easter? Don't they have to stay home and eat ham and deviled eggs, and watch their ridiculously huge tv's?!  Starbucks was the same, so there was no sitting to read my book.  Powell's, the book store, is next door and unexpectedly it was open so I figured I could go and watch a movie on the laptop.  The earphones were not in the bag, nobodies fault ... so again, no movie.  And yes --------- I forgot my fucking, fucking book. So I sat there and looked at picture books, for 2 1/2 hours, because by then I couldn't read, and tried not to lay my head down on the table and cry because  I was so without tether that it was killing me.

I hate, hate, hate holidays
They are days of heavy loneliness, sorrow.
My daughter doesn't believe in any holidays, probably because they carry the same weight for her.  I don't blame her - our lives have been crazy hard.
But I just want something, anything to recognize - to get through the day with some semblance of normal. Of being like people who celebrate, even if it's crap celebrating.  

I have only one friend here, but life is challenging for her too. I've been asked to join her and her family before, but I don't really know her kids or her relatives, so it's uncomfortable and depressing and stressful. The last two years have been so full of pain and illness and stress, that it's just not the time to reach out to find new friends - I cry if they're nice and I cry if they don't reciprocate. So I've just given up until things get better and I'm so fucked up and lonely right now that - until - makes me cry too.

I've read a few blogs today, of women that I read and care about and participate with in my sincere and, yeah, kind comments. (and I'm not talking about any of you who have shared yourselves with me, welcomed me into your space - you already know how grateful I am, you know who you are and I know I've said that before and it's getting fucking boring, for both of us)  I have begged more than I should have, asking them to read me, take me in and they don't, I don't fucking know why and it eats at me, little bites out of my heart time and time again, because I can't seem to stop reading them, they're good and I care about them but the silence, oh my god, what the silence does. It is humiliating and I've had a shitload of that in my life. Have I done something wrong? Something bad? It triggers decades and decades of this kind of shit. And I know I've talked about all this shit before and that's getting boring too. I've gotten over so mannny things - I've got to get over this, flush the sorrow, it's shitty and it's in the way. Sorry is nowhere in this today.  It's a bad day and everything is dumping on top of everything else.

I don't have to make sense here today. I don't have to be good. I don't have to forgive today.

I'm spitting all of this out because I was crushed by loneliness already today and they, and perhaps lots of you, are happy with family and food and laughter, and I know it's not that way for everyone.   Some others are hurting, but this is my moment, I get to talk about my fucking sorrow, my pain. I just can't take it today, I can't comment, I can't read Facebook - I feel unworthy and ashamed already because there is no comfort in my day, only silence. So many people know my situation and it's another little bite when people don't think of me - after all this time of writing and talking, whether face to face or type or pen, not friend or family or acquaintance would think - Liv is alone, I'll just tell her I am thinking of her.  My email is there, I'm on Facebook, there is a mailbox at the end of the driveway - oh yeah, I forgot, there's the damn phone.  I'm not trying to hurt or call out anyone and I don't need to be taken care of, do not feel sorry for me. I'm not asking for anything, I'm telling you, I'm telling you how it is,  because you are my friends and I need to scream.  I need.

I don't exist.
I feel like my head is going to burst.
I don't want to be me.
I don't want to be here.
I want to exist.

I want a husband, a partner, I want all my children,  I want a family, I want a home. The chaos and the joy and the bother and the frustration and the safety of all of that. The holy imperfection of all that.
Where is any goddam thing that  t e t h e r s me?

Like my beautiful and dear friend Elizabeth speaks so eloquently about falling,     I get to fall down today, it's my turn.


  1. Down here with you holding your hand.

  2. Yes, everybody needs their turn. I'm so sorry you're hurting, at the same time I'm so glad you are uniquely you, Aa fearless woman, open to adventure. Life will hold exciting adventures for you once again, until then know That I am thinking of you and wishing you ease.

  3. sorry you are having such a tough day. here's my suggestion...get a dog. seriously. life changed for the better when Minnie showed up here.

  4. I am right there with you. I read you but I don't often comment. Shy I suppose. Or something. I do believe our lives will turn a corner. Nothing lasts forever, certainly not the current illness, circumstances, depression or loneliness. In the meantime, we are all here for each other. Skip on over to Radish King's or Mary Moon's or a bunch of others, that's what I do when I need a boost. In the meantime, I am thinking of you in Canada.

    And I think Ellen is right, get a dog. Or a cat. I find cats particularly helpful and lucky. Mine really takes care of me.


  5. Some days we need to just express our pain and release it. Loneliness is indeed a terrible poverty of the worst kind. As a full time Caregiver the Isolation of it gets to me quite like nothing else. You can know many people, but in the painful moments, when we're dealing with Life's Issues, the reality of moving thru it as a solitary Soul can be quite overwhelming. The magnitude of that can crush the Spirit. The Holidays can be hardest when going through personal turmoil and in the Being and Feeling very much Alone. I was Thankful that this Holiday I could connect with some Loved Ones outside of the daily grind and refresh my Soul. The Silence from others when we're Going Through is sometimes deafening, so I do Hope that in having your Turn to bare your Heart and express your pain helped, to be Heard... I know it does for me here in the Wonderful Land Of Blog where I've had more than a few Rants. Big Virtual Hug coming to you from the Arizona Desert... Dawn... The Bohemian

  6. PS: I just had to add that you made me Smile when you talked about staying Home to watch their ridiculously huge TV's... after many years of lamenting he didn't have one, I finally bought The Man one recently so that is exactly how he spent the majority of Easter! *LMAO* Well, Bless his Heart, with the Traumatic Brain Injury watching TV has become his 'Armchair Sport' of sorts now that there is so much he can no longer do... but it just made me Smile, Thank You for that, it's been a rough Week for me too. Dawn... The Bohemian

  7. I know where you're coming and it's OK to feel like that. Like falling. Elizabeth put it so brilliantly even if the source of her articulacy was pain. I hope, hope, hope that you get back up. Here's sending you big hugs from across the ocean.

    Greetings from London.

  8. This is such a sad and honest post. Please be assured that I read here always and that my heart goes out to you. There are days that feel like an endless struggle to figure out the why and the how. I have no idea how to stop it but I know we do get through them by writing about them.

  9. Oh, Liv. You are such a gentle and sensitive soul. Your feelings are so big and raw. I have no words of comfort except that I care about you. I do

    I have been blogging probably longer than most people out there. I can comment and comment and comment and nothing back. And it does hurt. It's a stinging kind of hurt. But how about this? How about you choose a few blogs where you have been reading and commenting and your kindness is not returned. And just stop. Just stop. Because you deserve to have your love reciprocated. But the point is about teaching yourself that you are valuable. It will be a good small itty bitty building block to let go of some of the people who hurt you over and over again.
    You are loved. You are.

  10. I feel like this was written for me, so know you are not alone. I'm not sure if that makes you feel better or not...we too despise holidays, only b/c at the moment our home life is so awful. But it will get better b/c I am making it so. Writing and reading are my lifelines also; one day (that dreaded phrase) I will have a blog, I think. You really are a lovely writer; not everyone can be so honest and clear in their thoughts.

    Thinking of you & wishing you better days!!!

  11. dear liv, i am so moved by your raw honesty here, and i have been in that place that you describe, though I was lucky this year, in that I got through Easter unscathed. It is more usual that I languish in my house, feeling assaulted by the sun outside my window, feeling as if everyone else is celebrating together, and there is some gene I missed that would have told me how to do holidays. I hate holidays, too. I hope you know you matter to me. I have only recently found you, but you are such an openhearted soul, yes, kind, and I really want you to know that you are a cherished member of this loose online community we circle in. Sometimes, I lament the lack of comments, too; I think people are just busy, and so many bloggers I love have moved on, they no longer post, and I miss them with a fierce ache. These connections are real, and I am grateful for you, grateful for the way you speak your truth, unflinchingly, and yet generously. I wish I could take away your loneliness and pain. I hope today is a better day for you. And that you can feel from the comments here that you are so loved.

    1. Dear friend,
      Angela, I didn't reply to any of the comments. I was just too close to the pain. But they all helped and I am grateful for them.
      I am feeling a little bit better so I can go to the the grocery store, etc. But know.
      I can not tell you (because I am just unable to find the right words) how much your comment meant to me. I really feel that you identify with my stuff (and I am sad you do) better than most. I think your blog makes people think that you have a pretty darn perfect life, but sometimes we suffer deeply behind our image. I'm never going to make the mistake of thinking that again. I'm never going to see only the outer and I am so very grateful to have you express yourself so honestly. It's a privilege to be let into your beautiful and very real life in this way.
      You helped me, friend.

  12. You know I always think of you. Or if you forgot, I'm reminding you :) I'm rarely "here" but I'm here...always rooting for you. Whatever you need.

  13. I haven't been reading blogs for days and maybe even weeks, so burdened am I by the caregiving and getting my son to college and just -- well -- life. I write less and less on the blog and more and more offline. I am sorry that you are plunged into this lonely time of yearning, and I hope that it passes quickly, that you will find sustenance in those you know and love and who love you in return.

  14. I just wrote a long comment, and I think it disappeared. Or maybe they need to be approved? In any case, I am sorry that you are feeling lonely and rejected and anxious. Your writing here and your willingness to be open and vulnerable are beyond admirable -- they make you beautiful.

    1. Dearest Elizabeth,
      Your comments over theses many years have always sustained me and given me hope and made me feel so recognized. Thanks for your love, E.

  15. I'm so sorry Liv. I've been out of the loop with Katie and work and life and pulling my head out of my asshole:)

    I love that you leave comments on my page. They make me smile.

    As for lonely, yes I've been lonely. Even with a husband, my ex-husband that is. So many days I was alone with Katie when she lived at home and I couldn't leave, couldn't do anything other than take care of her and it was hard and isolating and lonely.

    I hope you're feeling better now.

    1. Thank you so much for your comment, Deb.
      So you know lonely too, my friend. It sucks, doesn't it?
      I'm feeling better. It's one day at a time in most things in life. And it's so nice to know that you are feeling better and that Katie is too.
      It's ok that you don't write on your blog often, because when you do - it's a treat in all kinds of ways. I love to read it. Take good care.