Sunday, April 2, 2017

Sublime encounters

Yes, I've been out of sight for a while.  Am now post op and feeling a bit better, fingers crossed that this does the trick.  Since the ambulance ride to the hospital last month and the ensuing afternoon catnap in a no less "private" emergency room (fancy that!) has cost in the region of $5,700, (you can get up off the floor now) of which my portion is a pittance thanks to extreme poverty under the Medicare program, I am nowhere near as jubilantly positive about the outcome of a three hour long operation - for which my surgeon was an hour late with no intention of explanation.  There is a limit to the benevolence of Medicare but I am on my knees grateful for my policy.  Thank you, thank you, thank you.

If you've been reading for awhile, you might remember that I've had an unidentified sinus infection for the better part of the last year and after three doctors and a remodel of the bathroom (by the fearful landlord praying for the absence of black mold), two cat scans and an obscene amount of antibiotics - you died-in-the wool organics would be horrified -  a bucket of green snot that was vacuumed from my sinus cavity (which I have been spewing out daily for the last 9 months!) has finally been identified as an allergic reaction to a rare feline bacteria....       I'm very sad that this came from Marley and sadder still at the prospect of never being able to enjoy the comfort of such beautiful and loving animals. So sorry about the graphics, if you have a weak stomach, but hey, I had to endure it, you can at least hang in there with me..........I'm smiling.

They also repaired a deviated septum. I'm not sure that was an absolute necessity but they're in there so what the heck.  Pain has not been too much of an issue, but fear of success of this whole thing does occupy my tired brain. I am vigilant about such things as salt sprays and neti-pot cleanses - really, they're a good idea for this age of pollution we live in and the threat of any allergy you may or may not know you have.  The buckets of green snot are gone and now replaced with never ending slimy blood clots, OK, I'll stop!!

There were some complications with the surgery, not least of them being the inability to wake for a full 8 hours from the anesthesia....scary....  Did you know that the effects of anesthesia can last as long as 2 weeks, and even more?  It was done on the 21st and inanimate objects are just now beginning to stop inexplicably grow and shrinking as if I am on a sporadic LSD trip.

I was going to give you a cut-away of the sinuses and deviated things but you are probably happy to put a close to this topic, as am I......please, please heal correctly!
My recovery has been exactly like this, I plan on getting sick much more often!


In other news: my daughter and I have determined it is probably best that the next move in my life should be a final trip to Europe.  I know, I have no real money and the confusion of trying to find a place to live in, that I can afford, will still be there when I get home. The saving grace is that my SS check will be coming in with no expenses going out, so it won't be all that frightening.  But my life has been so without joy and relief from the lingering pains of a lifetime, that if I don't tuck in some happiness and good memories before the end, then I deserve whatever I get. So sucking up bravery from the bottoms of my feet, I will be alone!, is my daily task now.  Besides, contemplating such a trip is the only thing that is staving off panic attacks the likes of which I have never experienced in my whole panicked life.  I had a bring-you-to-your-knees one the other night and scared the shit out of both of us. You know, the kind of hide in the back of the closet and wish you were dead ones, I'm sure you're familiar with them. I pray to God you are not.

I'll leave you with some good news: I've lost five pounds, pale yellow tulips and pick hyacinths are blooming in the front yard. My car is being nice to me and I had the most sublime experience yesterday of standing in a field of vibrant green grass with three small dear deer nibbling their dinner.  We, each of us, locked eyes for about 15 seconds, which are a lot longer than you think, playing who will blink first. It's like talking and I was so happy that they let me stay and watch, as close as 10' away. That's what being born again really feels like. Wherever I wind up when I get home, I hope there is enough quiet and green and space for meeting deer eyes.

16 comments:

  1. Oh, however jovial your language, this all, I know, is intense. I send you continued courage and strength, Liv, as you make these important decisions. The pinks and green and all the beauty that you create will go with you wherever you are --

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    1. You know this well, my friend, if you don't laugh about it sometimes, it will eat you up. Thanks for the good thoughts.

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  2. Liv you have been through hell and back. Hope the worst is behind you. I admire your bravery doing the trip, but won't it be nice having no regrets about that? The amimal gods are smiling. I look forward to hearing about your trip. Much love.
    Xoco
    Barbara

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    1. If the worst isn't behind me, B, then this is planet Bazzaaro...which we kind of know it is :)

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  3. the ENT has me doing a sinus rinse 3 times a day! I'm not though. twice a day is plenty and I thinking this is excessive as after several days of this there's not much left up there. so nothing can be done to rid Marley of the bacteria?

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    1. These sinus things are absolutely essential here - they're kind of annoying though, aren't they?
      You forgot, Ellen, Marley passed away in November.

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  4. Good to hear you are on the other side of the surgery. Sounds awful. I am uncomfortably familiar with panic attacks. Sorry you had to endure that. REALLY sad about the cat allergy. Damn. I am looking forward to hearing all about your trip to Europe.

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    1. So very sorry to hear you are familiar with that state of being, it's not fair. But we survive.

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  5. wow, you've been going through a lot. the trip you're contemplating sounds exciting. i hope you do it.

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  6. I am so glad to read your post. It is an especially lovely one. Even with all the snot. Because that is behind you. And the panic attack. (Yeah. I know those) You came through it to see beauty.
    And I am in absolute awe that you are going to travel. It is something I doubt I will ever do. I am so broken in that area. Just the thought of going to the mall overwhelmes me.
    You will have to bring a camera and post along the way.

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    1. I absolutely will, Birdie, I'm really looking forward to that part. I will send you pictures of scones w/butter and jam :)


      But I'm not going until the end of May, first of June. It takes that long to plan a trip across the pond.

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  7. Addendum. Actually, your picture made me laugh. Because after I had my hysterectomy I really enjoyed just resting. Sleeping when I felt tired. Laying about reading books or watching Netflix. Hysterectomies of today are not our mothers hysterectomies. It was kind of easy actually. I keep telling people that had I not been there for my hysterectomy I would not have known I had one. Yeah, I was constipated. Yes, I was tired but I'm always tired and it gave me a good reason to sleep. God forbid. I don't want to ever get really sick but I could definitely have a hysterectomy every couple of years.

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    1. Some times you are just down right hysterical...hahaha! If I can remember mine, I think it was the same way. But the best one was when I broke my ankle, about 7 years ago. The meds weren't all that good, but I had a great excuse to lay around for 3 months!!!!

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  8. What a wretched experience in so many ways. But now for the tulips and hyacinths and a trip to Europe!!!!

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    1. Indeed it was. Now I'm in that place that you (unfortunately) know too well...."did it work?" Europe - I can't hardly believe it!

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