I don't know whether this is narcissistic, self indulgent, silly, or maybe brave. But, believe me, it does take a bit of guts. And I been trying to work up those guts for a long time.
So let's see what lighting can do :; (I don't know which one is right, comas so confuse me)
This was me yesterday afternoon. The room was a little dark so I used a flash. (and I'm actually trying very hard here to look like I'm "normal") It started out as a pretty good day. And actually, it sort of ended up pretty much that way. Quell suprise !
Sorry folks, I took it out, I just kept thinking about
it too much. I think that outweighs the courage to
show it, so we take things in steps and we have to take
care of our mental health, that takes courage too.
Ditto for this one too.
I think sometimes I try to prove something to myself at the expense of myself.
It does not actually help the healing.
By the time I wake up in the morning I look like my 86 yr. old mom before she died, it truly scars me to see her face in the mirror. The nights just ravage me. (if I ever come stay overnight at your house you will have to give me lots of support in the morning ) You think I'm exaggerating about that morning face? do NOT underestimate me! Someday I'll have a martini and get the guts to show it but it won't be any time soon. And no, I'm not kidding here - it really disturbs me, it looks very wounded, exhausted with it all.
A morning martini?? Oh god!
I have been severely criticized for a lot of my life about my looks, so I have always cared very much about how I look. I was told by my mother that I was a wallflower when I was young. She used to say, "you may be a wallflower, but if you only smile people will like you" - yeah well, that'll do it! And my father, you don't want to know the names my father called me, even though I was his "favorite". I also have been criticized by a lot of boyfriends and two husbands, sometimes in anger but not always, just that little picking apart of who you are, it takes a big chunk out of you. It might be becoming a bit more clear to you by now why I am writing this.
(In the telling of my stupendous and hard-to-believe (which is absolutely fucking true, every moment of it) memoir of my trip (read the post below) which will be continued after this post, I want to make it clear that I was obsessed during that trip with thinking that I was that wallflower, plain as mud. How I could think that in the midst of all the wonderful people, the love and all the incredible experiences I had and why I could not overcome it I do not know.)
My daughter says that I have a bit of body dysmorphia, ugggh. I'm getting better now that I am approaching the last quarter. But I don't think it will ever really change and that is what makes me fear aging. Well that and incontinence.
an aside...someday I am going to write a post dedicated to lipstick. I love it. Women have been wearing lipstick for just about as long as there have been women with lips. It's fascinating!
Anyway, I've always wanted to write this post. I'm not looking for any compliments, we only see ourselves the way we see our selves so I would not believe them anyway - don't waste ink. Some of us think about our looks a lot and some of us don't very much, but we all think about it sometimes and we all deal with it in different ways. And we are all just a little bit insecure about it, if we are honest. Now that I have written this post, I will never have to write it again and that is one less thing that I will have to carry.
And by the way, I rarely, so rarely, ever see someone that I don't think is beautiful. I am an artist and there is hardly anything or anyone on this earth that I, truly - truly, do not think is beautiful - except, sometimes, me. I think there may be a lot of people like me.
this, I know, is beautiful