Thursday, November 10, 2016

I need a little help from my friends

I don't know how to explain what is happening here. It's another world of pain on top of that political shit. I keep hearing people say things like.....rah, rah, rah we shall overcome...etc.  I even say them, and I hold a speck of hope in that, and then there's let your mourning out, let your anger out, and I hear that too and they could both be said  for what's happening here, in my house. It's a kind of vortex. It's a  weighted thing. It's this political stuff, yes, but it's a whole lot more.

My daughter who is gay is spinning in her brain.  She is feeling ripped apart knowing that he and the rest of them will take away - and this isn't a maybe, this is a fact - her right to marry the person she wants to. She is overwhelmed with the thought that she will be loosing her health insurance and knowing that she couldn't afford private coverage. I try to say things to her that will relieve some of the anxiety and they all sound so empty. I can't help her and the panic rises in me. She is about 9 months sober, bless her heart, and I don't fear that she will drink but I know the anguish she is going through trying to hold in that place. I'm eating too much and not drinking enough water and I wish I could have a drink - but I would never do that in front of her.  But I  w a n t  one.

My beloved darling cat, Marley, who has been quickly declining, was diagnosed with cancer of the intestines and spleen.  This is surreal.  She was fine, brought me a baby mouse about 6 weeks ago and overjoyed when she presented it.  She was just trying to sneak out of the gate, playing with the string on the blinds, demanding that I get up right NOW and give her her breakfast and now she can hardly eat, she is declining fast. Nothing in her body is working quite right and I know she is so, so confused about it all. I also know that she realizes that she is very sick. She doesn't want me to leave her side and I don't want to leave her side.

I've been sick with all this shit in my sinuses and my tooth and I'm so physically, mentally and spiritually tired. I don't want to run away from any of it. They need me and I need them. But none of the things that usually get me through are workin' their stuff right now.  We all three, although we are here together in this house and loving and supporting each other,  feel so alone. It's scary.  I know it's not going to last forever, but f u c k, I'm here right now and it's happening.  I want to wake up in a different world, with my daughter not frightened and my cat healthy and in no pain - and me in no pain.  I want to wake up tomorrow feeling like I did last month when nobody was scared other than the normal - I'm alive on this planet and life sucks / life is sweet.  And I don't want to wake up tomorrow.  Every morning for these last two weeks has been accompanied by panic. I want to be strong and help and I know I am, as much as my clumsy self is able - and I want to get in the corner and cry till it all goes away.

I have one friend in this city to talk to but like everyone else she is just human, she has a life of her own full of complications so it's not often that we can be together. I have my therapist who I had to cancel our last meeting because of doctor stuff for my darling, and now she is on vacation for two weeks. I dashed to the store this morning to get Marley treats, she will eat a tiny bit of them, and some salad from the deli counter (that was for me). The girl behind said "have a good day" and I didn't reply, she thought I had turned away when she said "and don't ever come back", because I didn't reply!.... I didn't even react. Nothing matters right now except what is happening within this house.

I don't want to read blogs, I don't want to read Facebook, I don't want to comment, I don't want to feel anything when someone comments on me or doesn't .  But this and Facebook are the only places  I have to go to right now and that makes me feel physically ill. I want to scream but I will wake Marley and upset my daughter, so I just keep crying because that's all I can do.

I've made a fluffy warm bed behind the couch for her because that's pretty much the only place she wants to be.  And my daughter just got back from making a late night candy-run to the 7/11 and is, hopefully, watching Netflix to distract her own panic.  And me?  I'm taking a pill or maybe two and I'm going to sleep and then maybe the knot in my stomach will stop bleeding fear.