Wednesday, August 24, 2016

Just write it out Just ride it out

Words hit hard   They slam to the ground   Lungs deflate   The sudden terror of realizing that breath is IT   Breath is gone   My eyes open as far as possible as if they can grab it can get the air in  

 The constant haranguing that my feelings are unnecessary unnecessarily emotional unnecessarily worried unnecessarily bothersome  unnecessarily intrusive irritating unwise silly wrong  unnecessary unnecessary unnecessary

Where is the place where they are accepted allowed   A place where only I can determine what is to be felt not felt   Where no one can see if my words offend embarrass confuse frighten shame me   Where they weigh on only me   Where no one can see   Where I can heal them     The place where they joy me and comfort me and make me feel 10 pounds lighter   Where I am with them and suddenly young  Where they can heal me

6 decades of being half visible   6 decades of carrying so many other people's  burdens   Burdens without my name on them   Are there 2 decades left to go   Do I want the whole of them   Does it even matter because that’s not enough time to     that’s not enough time   So many things bypassed slipped away lost out of reach promised for another day        

The tiny one Lost Lost no days not one single day not hour or a moment    Just one tiny glance   Lost   And then lost once more

 Am I lucky if I get 1 1/2   Am I lucky if I don't    And if 15 years are mine will there be different days within them   And if those days come will they have love freedom respect within them   Will there be a home  Please please a home    If far or close will I feel safe within it 
I get too tired to look for those days too lonely to care   Some days it’s ok if they never show up   Some days I long and search and scream for them   Some days there are moments when I see them

Each time my lungs are crushed of air they get a tiny bit weaker a tiny bit smaller   Take 3 deep breaths and there is not enough oxygen   Run run as far as you can and they burn and it is not far enough   Will there ever be space enough space to breathe easy

I don’t want to carry your burden anymore   I love you   It’s not my burden but it’s chained to both of our ankles   It is bleeding me dry  And it has frightened you for far too long   I didn’t make it you made it yourself but I know I helped that’s why I help  And I made mine myself and they will not see they helped   They will not help   You are strong enough sometimes to admit you helped make mine    a little   Every moment  I love you   Especially in the moments when I don't

You are so much taller louder scarier than me   You are solid in your belief I helped you learn that   My words pierce you too   They draw blood even when I feel small weak unsure  My words have power and I forget   My loud cannot match yours   I get shorter by the day   My belief is doubt   They helped me learn that

I’ve stopped crying now the words help   You’ll be gone long enough for me to believe myself a little   You’ll be back before it is solid within me   And I’ll be scared no matter how calm it is   By now I'm good at riding it out   And I’ll help you carry your burden because I helped you make it  And you’ll help me carry mine because you are a part of it