Friday, December 21, 2018

I'm not sure I heard you correctly

I certainly don't want to think I heard that correctly.

I have severe cancer in my right breast, again. It is in the milk ducts which obviously grow throughout the breast....so it is throughout my breast. Seriously?
But I knew it.

I found a lump about 4 months ago. I called and said I needed a mamm. although I was six months early for one. Had it. The conclusion was that there might be something there but there was also much calcification so that was the conclusion, just calcification, a result of all the previous radiation. Whatever they thought they found was too infinitesimal to actually be considered anything of any importance, and maybe it wasn't even there.  Come back in a few months and we will see if anything is actually visible.

Did that. There was some concern that it, although barely visible, might in fact be something worth looking at a little closer. When they sit you down in the dressing room and they tell you that they would like to do a biopsy.....you know.

Biopsy's are hell.  I won't bother describing it, except only to say that it is a mammogram that lasts an hour and a half. You get the picture. Even numbed up, it's not fun and I'm a bit of a bleeder so that wasn't pleasant either. The breast turns green with bruises. With this kind of probing they get a whole different view. It turns out that it was barely visible because it is in the outer lining of the duct. That needs a super magnifier because it is essentially invisible....and he hit it with a needle!! A needle that deposits tiny, tiny little pieces of metal so they can find it if they need to look again.

Then the sweet gentleman who did it also sits down with you in the dressing room. By now you really know you're screwed. Next step, a surgeon who diagnoses the situation and sets you up with a plastic surgeon (they work in tandem) and a surgery date. On January 21st,  although it's everywhere it's a slow grower, I am going to have both of my breasts cut off. Breathe, breathe. You actually forget to do that when they say double mastectomy. There's a lot of talk about implants and a drug (5 years) called Tamoxifen and counseling and nutrition classes (shouldn't have had that hamburger). I have no idea what decisions to make. My daughter says no implants. I say implants but I don't know why. A drug for 5 years? I only have weeks to decide something that will affect me for the rest of my life. And you know what bothers me the most?  The time. The time it takes to do this and the time it takes to heal. If you get implants, I think it takes 3 months from the first operation before you go back for a second to have them put in place. Time suddenly feels very precious. What do breasts mean to us? What would it feel like to have none?

I made a terrible mistake and got on Google and looked up mastectomy. Whhhhyyy did I watch that? I thought I was watching a horror film, what poor surgeons have to go through....guck!!!!!  I keep shutting off my brain. It's not even voluntarily, it's just pure instinct. Something takes over that is stronger than you. And then it doesn't. It all sneaks in through a crack and my breath wavers. What the fuck? What the fuck??!! They say things come in 3's, this is the 3rd time.

OK, I'm scared. I'm really scared. Everyone keeps saying how well I'm taking it. But I'm not. I've said so many times in my life - is this the end? Surely things will get better now. It's so embarrassing. Just one thing after another after another. And if you're thinking - bad karma - then I don't even know what to say to you. And I'm not crying. Why am I not crying?

I so wanted to write a happy post for my next one. But this is what there is, this is what you get.

Love
Liv

PS: my windshield wipers just quit working...and I live in the Pacific Northwest..............

PPS: I haven't been reading anyone elses's blog, so I really, really hope everything is alright with you. I truly do.