Sublime encounters

Yes, I've been out of sight for a while.  Am now post op and feeling a bit better, fingers crossed that this does the trick.  Since the ambulance ride to the hospital last month and the ensuing afternoon catnap in a no less "private" emergency room (fancy that!) has cost in the region of $5,700, (you can get up off the floor now) of which my portion is a pittance thanks to extreme poverty under the Medicare program, I am nowhere near as jubilantly positive about the outcome of a three hour long operation - for which my surgeon was an hour late with no intention of explanation.  There is a limit to the benevolence of Medicare but I am on my knees grateful for my policy.  Thank you, thank you, thank you.

If you've been reading for awhile, you might remember that I've had an unidentified sinus infection for the better part of the last year and after three doctors and a remodel of the bathroom (by the fearful landlord praying for the absence of black mold), two cat scans and an obscene amount of antibiotics - you died-in-the wool organics would be horrified -  a bucket of green snot that was vacuumed from my sinus cavity (which I have been spewing out daily for the last 9 months!) has finally been identified as an allergic reaction to a rare feline bacteria....       I'm very sad that this came from Marley and sadder still at the prospect of never being able to enjoy the comfort of such beautiful and loving animals. So sorry about the graphics, if you have a weak stomach, but hey, I had to endure it, you can at least hang in there with me..........I'm smiling.

They also repaired a deviated septum. I'm not sure that was an absolute necessity but they're in there so what the heck.  Pain has not been too much of an issue, but fear of success of this whole thing does occupy my tired brain. I am vigilant about such things as salt sprays and neti-pot cleanses - really, they're a good idea for this age of pollution we live in and the threat of any allergy you may or may not know you have.  The buckets of green snot are gone and now replaced with never ending slimy blood clots, OK, I'll stop!!

There were some complications with the surgery, not least of them being the inability to wake for a full 8 hours from the anesthesia....scary....  Did you know that the effects of anesthesia can last as long as 2 weeks, and even more?  It was done on the 21st and inanimate objects are just now beginning to stop inexplicably grow and shrinking as if I am on a sporadic LSD trip.

I was going to give you a cut-away of the sinuses and deviated things but you are probably happy to put a close to this topic, as am I......please, please heal correctly!

My recovery has been exactly like this, I plan on getting sick much more often!


In other news: my daughter and I have determined it is probably best that the next move in my life should be a final trip to Europe.  I know, I have no real money and the confusion of trying to find a place to live in, that I can afford, will still be there when I get home. The saving grace is that my SS check will be coming in with no expenses going out, so it won't be all that frightening.  But my life has been so without joy and relief from the lingering pains of a lifetime, that if I don't tuck in some happiness and good memories before the end, then I deserve whatever I get. So sucking up bravery from the bottoms of my feet, I will be alone!, is my daily task now.  Besides, contemplating such a trip is the only thing that is staving off panic attacks the likes of which I have never experienced in my whole panicked life.  I had a bring-you-to-your-knees one the other night and scared the shit out of both of us. You know, the kind of hide in the back of the closet and wish you were dead ones, I'm sure you're familiar with them. I pray to God you are not.

I'll leave you with some good news: I've lost five pounds, pale yellow tulips and pick hyacinths are blooming in the front yard. My car is being nice to me and I had the most sublime experience yesterday of standing in a field of vibrant green grass with three small dear deer nibbling their dinner.  We, each of us, locked eyes for about 15 seconds, which are a lot longer than you think, playing who will blink first. It's like talking and I was so happy that they let me stay and watch, as close as 10' away. That's what being born again really feels like. Wherever I wind up when I get home, I hope there is enough quiet and green and space for meeting deer eyes.

Pink is a kind color ***

I certainly didn't expect this.

I took a walk around the property yesterday and was so surprise, turning around a corner to go down to the creek, when I was wide eyed struck by beauty that I didn't expect.  It is still a pretty rainy spring - four days away - but some things do get a jump on it out of sheer joy, I think, at finally being released from the grip of winter.
                                                                           

I'm afraid my camera doesn't do justice to them, perhaps I need a lesson from Carl. They look like peony camellias, a pink I can happily live with. Placed here, they are like a prayer to compassion and mercy. It's, as usual, a grey and damp day but when I look deep into the center it reminds me that there is still joy, there is still beauty in this world that is lately clouded by chaos.


***   An addendum.......this is hysterical .    I have the most god awful grey-mouse hair.  If it's not colored (bleached) people always say...."Is something wrong?"  "Don't you feel well?"  "You look so sad." hahaha  I am additionally blessed with straight, limp, thin hair.  One more thing to envy you about if you are not cursed blessed ....  if you don't have it.  I dyed it this morning.  The pluuuh grey was scary evident as I haven't been well and I let it all go too long.  It didn't come out it's usual bright and happy platinum, it came out slightly corn and dry as a broom, so I decided to use the whole conditioning tube to soften it up a little.  The conditioner is slightly violet, that's supposed to keep the yellow out.  I left it on for about an hour, I'm the person that, sometimes, thinks if a little is good, a lot will be better...........I now have a whole swath of pink hair.  I can only laugh, I'm going to leave it, it's kind of cherry cheery. 

The beauty and truth of the simple and complex

 I don't think I'm alone in writing long posts, am I?  Think of it as a three page hand written letter to a dear friend from a dear friend. We all love to get mail.

# 1
 I have been slowly getting sicker and sicker for two years now.  I've seen my PC, and Ear/Nose and Throat specialist and a Neurologist multiple times over this period.  The symptoms have shown up one by one and now most at the same time, which is probably why no one has been able to diagnose it, that and the fact that doctors don't understand it enough to put 2 + 2 together.  Finally! I had a reputable company out and we got to the bottom of it.   ....  I have Black Mold Poisoning - a build up of 2 fucking years!!  I have been telling the landlord and sending him pictures for all that time. Although he already knew it was here when  he did the walk through and my daughter pointed it out, he's like any other landlord...avoid responsibility-spend no money.  We, she and I, were too stupid to understand the seriousness of this and didn't understand where my symptoms were coming from. It's been very confusing and sad actually, because it's stopped me from doing so much.

 The door to the bathroom (we have two, thank God),  that's where it is because of a former water leak, has been closed for 6 weeks now and several of them have gotten better, but not all.    Shaking, memory loss, fatigue, lack of attention, hair loss, chronic sinus infection (remember - I talked about that in a past post) 7 months !, loss of balance, weakened immune system  --- I just got the flu for the first time in over 30 years and it was so bad I had to be taken to the hospital by ambulance, one day stay, not even overnight - fucking $5,700! - praise God for  Medicare.

The good news is they are completely remodeling the bathroom in the clean up and I am slowly getting better, yippee!
(I don't think this has anything to do with simple or complex, it's just stupid)

The truth: Black mold can kill and you gotta' stick up for yourself....and get educated.

#2
Amazingly, I have been able to do some art, not much, but still it's satisfying. I finished the Madonna, finally !! and put some finishing touches on some of the others.

 

Top, left and right, birds watching over.

I love that little shell that looks like a fish (or maybe it's a dog..?) Serendipity is a big part of this kind of art.

                         Little blue oyster shell on bottom to hold prayers or momentos.  That little thing       makes me beam, I love it so much - blue, wow!

I love doing this because it's like doing a rubix cube. It's a very complex and calculated art. Will this work, will this work? And magically the third or fourth shell you pick up is perfect.  (That would be when you have about 100 lbs plus of shells to choose from.) I know this is a different kind of art, not contemporary or commercial, it doesn't appeal to the masses but I've pretty much come to peace with that, sort of.  I still feel a little embarrassed because it's not "hip", but fuck - I'm smiling the whole time I'm doing it.

The truth: This is a very complicated  issue for me. It deals with fitting in and I've always been uncomfortable with that.  But it's also simple, we just follow the voice, we just do what we do, there's truth in that, and comfort.


#3
I've been grappling with one of my biggest adversaries a lot lately, envy.  It is particularly tough right now because of my imminent need to find a living space - like in very soon! - that can accommodate my special needs: Bipolar, PTSD and HSP.  (primary colors frightened me and make me gag..hahahah, sometimes it's hysterically funny! sometime not.)

 I have very little money and the time is getting closer and closer so I am panicking.  I need an atmosphere that is aesthetically acceptable with these conditions, or I risk a dangerous depression, I'm very serious about that. It's not that I can't find the middle ground, it's that there is no middle ground, prison or sanctuary are the only options when you're dealing with disabilities of this nature. It's not hyperbole or drama or stubbornness, it's my reality and I've been doing my best to cope with it since I was 3 years old.   I could list all the gory and dark details that got me here, aside from the genetic components, but that's not the important thing, I am here, so I have to find a way through and right now I am thrashing around in the dark. A panic that I've been shoving down for most of my life and is vicious now, is terrifying me. I can't get through a day without thinking - is this going to be my end, is this the place where there are no more steps?  I cry and cry and cry. I have an elastic band on my wrist and I snap it all the time to shake me out of the thoughts. I've never watched more movies in my life, in fact I think I've watched a lifetime of movies in the last year. Netflix and Youtube are anesthetizing.

Thank god I finally have a good therapist. I swear to you if I hear one more person say "You've got to fake it till you make it" or "Have you tried exercising?" or "Have you thought about joining a group?", I'm gonna' sucker punch 'em.  Do I look like a fuckin' idiot??  She understands and respects what people like me go through and how crushing it can be to your life, the only one you've got.  There are no do-overs here. Medication helps, I faithfully take mine but there's a limit to what it can do - we all know that.  I even cheat and take more sometimes...but  that's  not   good ....

So, I envy you. Whether you are sick or depressed or under a burden of  debt or something that seems a dead end for you .....
if you have a family or a job that you like or even often don't, or money, or friends, a lover or a spouse (who is loving or even tolerable), if you get hugs or kisses that come from neither fear nor sorrow or have a yard or a garden, if you live with the possessions that you love and have a home where you can put up wallpaper because you know you'll live there long enough - I envy you.  It's always been a part of my life and I've coped with it in different ways.  And I know there are people who envy me - for my "freedom" or my ability to create or, I don't know what, but they do. So I'm not alone with this emotion, but it is backed with some pretty sharp anger and resentment now.... and that... is not good.

At least I'm not some lost, crazy bitch who only has that emotion. Floating around in all of this is... I like you. It would be so much fun to spend time together, laugh, have those stream of consciousness talks that are soooo fun. And eat!  Eating together is the best. I can't think of a person here with whom I would not love to share a meal...and cooking, ahhh.  Martini's, or you call it!!!  I could go on and on.  I fucking envy you - but I so like you, too.  Sometimes I think the best thing to do would be to take the money and visit each and every one of you and do all those things and then fly to my beloved India, with a loooong stay over in England, and when the money runs out, just walk into the Ganges. Of course I wouldn't tell you that or it would ruin all the fun.  I contemplate this a lot, it makes sense to me.

The truth: I don't think there was one bit of simple in that - Ha!


Love,
Liv
(or like Rebecca say's .... Live ... sweet!) xx


 






                                                              

 

Black and white is just not good

    

However, there are exceptions.

(and look, it even comes with a man!)

I hope you remember me.

I wanted to write a post today, as usual I have so many things to talk about that I know very little about.
But I just can't do it.  I've had the flu, a bad, bad case of it (hospital) and it has done a number on my eyes.  I am having a very hard time looking at black and white. I can watch a movie, because it's all colors (weird, huh?) But the black and white on things like this and reading everyone's blogs just kills my eyes.

I keep wishing that every background was grey.  And isn't that a metaphor for all the crazy that is now our world.  Everything seems to wind up on one side or the other. We either deify or demonize.

I couldn't read the news and I'm getting a headache doing this.  But now that I am crawling out from under this rock slide, I'm wondering where they all are?  Are they just not going to come out until the screaming stops, until something is solved so that they don't have to hold the heavy banner?  Have they all gone on vacation? Perhaps it's a timeshare get away thing and they all had to use up their weeks/months or they would be out a lot of $$. Must be quite a party.

Bill, Hillary, Bruce, Dylan, Barrack, Joe, Emmy Lou and Ms. Steinem (well, she is 82 so let's give her a break)?  - Seriously!? - Willie? (no matter how old he is I'm sure he has something to say). Beyonce (there, I said your name - it was easier than I thought), Prince - God rest his soul - he would have something to say, I think. This is a paltry and sad list, if I felt good I'd put some effort into it.  But geeze, not even one song, guys? Yoko???

I'll get back on the bandwagon here pretty soon and what a great job everyone is doing. I guess we don't need them after all, right?

Send me a get well card, I miss having friends xoxo

(God, I have a bitch of a headache now!)