Just for you

                                                                               

               Mornin'. I find that I cut my hair shorter and shorter each year. Can you see how short there by my ear?  I secretly want to shave my head but I have so many lumps and bumps that it would not look chic at all like some people do, probably just scary.

                   Goin' out to lunch with MJ, makeup is a miracle. Tied it back in the tiniest ponytail ever. I'm a grown woman and I still call it a "ponytail", silly. But what else could you call it?


I don't know why my selfie's always come out a bit out of focus. I have to take my glasses off so it actually looks like this to me on the camera...out of focus. But I do exactly the same thing with the camera when I take a picture of one of the shell things close up and then they are in focus. ??? **    I have a big red dot on my forehead my bags seem to have disappeared....again, makeup! Thank you camera gods. I think part of my arm is in focus. I have the blinds closed to stop that blast of sun. I moved the computer because before it was right next to that window and I was freeeezing watching a movie at night. It's a bit better on the far end of the room. This room doesn't have heat, only because the heat vent is in the little alcove below that window and it hangs out in mid air with nothing underneath it so all the heat is lost in minutes. A real architectural bloop. I have a little heater by my feet that works really well and so far I have paid enough attention to it to keep myself from catching on fire.

I want you to know that I do survive all this shit with, most of the time, a smile on my face. Because really, what can you do? Cancer, money, no roommate - it's life. There is a part of my brain that thinks hardships are pretty much a way to get inside. To the place in the center where I really have to unclench. That's were my breath goes. It's the place where fear grabs so hard, like a fist, that I can't get the breath in. People always say - breathe, breathe, you will feel better. Even though it's true, it's exhausting to hear it sometimes. - sometimes it's just fuck, fuck, fuck - My grip isn't easy to break, but if I don't let go I know it will squeeze the life right out of me . I'm often outside of that center and it can take me awhile to even remember that it's even there. So I'm giving it to the other and putting my energy into believing that someone else will come into this house who knows that idea. Kind of balance the seesaw. For me and probably for them, babes on a seesaw, we all are.  PS here; I always hold my neck and shoulder muscles so tight when I am stressed that my head shakes and my neck aches, aches! Now that! is really hard to unclench.


I'm listening to Charlie Brown Christmas music in the sunshine and looking for a cookie recipe. Baking is a go to for joy and calm for me and Charlie, well, who can not feel good with Charlie Brown?  It is very cold here - I love a winter kitchen with the oven on - and the water in the bird bath froze last night, but the sun melted it pretty fast. The chickadees are going hard at the bird feed.

Politics and worldwide insanity are out in the cold today where they can stay for awhile. Boy, those things can really put a grip on that center!  I'm not going to think of calling out men, or women in stupid just-as-good-as naked outfits or tights that are inappropriate and not just for comfort. Give me a break...I have a whole lot to say about that one! I'm thinking about sugar and flour and butter! And walnuts and maybe morello cherries or toffee.....ahhhhh!

** Ah ha!  It's because I'm trying to take the pic. with one hand...so I can't hold the camera still. I hope it's a good day for you, no clenching.

Another day, another glass of wine

                                                                                   

Only the wine bottle is appropriate - I am so far from ever being sexy any more - not that I ever was.

Still looking for a roommate. Several very inappropriate ones have responded to the ad. It's on Craigslist - well, it was. I've had to delete and go with three other places as CL seems to only bring in people who really can't afford to live here nor read the ad. They ask all the questions that have been previously noted in the ad and asking for exception after exception even though I've explained that the landlord is firm, I have no power to make exceptions. I've also gotten two lovely scams from Nigeria. Doesn't anyone there do anything else but sit in front of a computer saying "Let's see how really ridiculous we can make this one, because you know we're going to catch a fish or two anyway." ? Well, not me buddy. I'm going to figure it out right after I reply and the bell goes off in my empty and over anxious brain.

I did however get some $ help from a relative. So a bit of a surprise there. It helped pay for one month of this ridiculous rent increase, the electric bill and some groceries. (You probably don't know this, as I didn't, but Oregon has no cap on the amount of rent that can be raised by a landlord. And this is supposed to be such a socially advanced state.)  Grateful I am. Very grateful!

Some good news: My downstairs neighbor has turned out to be an absolute doll. He is very kind and positive and always makes me feel that I am being watched out for. A big plus when it comes from someone you don't even know.

My daughter has found a roommate who is great. She is funny too, just like L. And can even keep up a bit with her wit, but laughs hysterically when L is on a roll. Which is most of the time. L came for dinner last and it was nonstop laughing between each bite. She thinks I am funny too, although I'm not even close to her, but then she laughs at her own jokes. She really is a wonder. We kiss and hug goodbye and linger for a moment in each other's arms, both feeling we share in something much more precious than leftovers.

For a while I was scurrying between the frantic search for someone to share these bills with here and thinking that maybe I could get into a house now and leave all of this behind. With more intense research than before I have solidly come to the knowledge that a manufactured home (ugggh) is completely off the list. I simply don't qualify for that kind of a loan. It's a crazy thing the way these are done and 9% interest. It's way too complicated to explain here but that's off the list once and for all.  So are condos as my SS income is too low to secure a loan with the overhead of an HOA that can increase at a moments notice.  The mind blowing thing is that I do however qualify for a home mortgage. Albeit, as I've said before, that would be a crack house. But still, something to create a bit of equity for my old age - I always think I am about 40 years younger than I am, but... - and something to leave to L should I be run over by a bus. But looking for that one (secure abode) has been so exhausting with the roommate search as the other option, that I've got to choose the one with the lesser stress level....hahaha, see, there's my sense of humor. It's all so laughable.

I've missed out on reading and commenting on so many of your blogs. But I went back and read all of them today. Everyone seems to be doing ok, as much as can be expected with complicated lives and I am happy to read that.

We are experiencing a lot sunny, but not warm days. Sun makes almost everything better as opposed to the other so I am grateful for yet one more grace. My relationship with the powers that be have increased a bit. Although I still don't understand and I feel a bit bad for usually only turning there in times of need - benevolence is something to actually hold in my hands.... besides the glass of wine.

I miss each and everyone of you and will do better at staying in touch. I feel very lucky to have dear friends here. Let's keep our fingers crossed, roomy is out there somewhere!!



 

Come in, would you like to see the house?

I was going to write a nice light post --- I'm trying to keep them that way for awhile --- so that people will think that I'm not a crazy, bitch.  I'll hook you and then we'll sit down for a real chat. I hope you understand my sense of humor.

I was going to write about my stupid wonderful new roommate. He's a charmer. Sweet, smart, tidy as a pin. Washes every dish immediately, including mine (sometimes, it's not compulsory, although he can't stand to see them). I couldn't care less about dishes. I figure, save them up for awhile and then you'll get to keep your hands in a lovely sink full of warm and bubbly water while you daydream out the window. He's young and cute and quiet as a mouse...red flag there. We had a long talk about length of tenancy and rules (landlords) and smoking (none!) and alcohol (light).

It turns out that people who walk so lightly that you never know where they are until you turn around, are actually rather strange people. He's sat in his room for three solid months - on his computer. He said he is a freelance programmer. Turns out there is no such thing, as far as I can tell because he hasn't worked a day since he got here.  He has consumed over 250 bottles and cans beer (freakin' expensive IPA's). I know this because I have schlepped them all to the recycling place myself. Now that is an adventure! You can get drunk just walking into that place, the fumes! And no, I don't keep the money. What is wrong with me?!

I just found out from the landlord, when he wrote to say that he is raising the rent to $1,600, that he gave his notice on the 1st, I found out on the 6th. He said he was going to tell me .... next week. Believe me, I can not afford $1,600 by myself. He say's he has not been able to find an $18 hr. job, he can't take anything less than that. (my eyes are totally crossed here) So he has depleted his $. The min. in Oregon is, in most cases $12. He could have paid his rent 2 1/2 x's over each month. Is the word entitlement coming to mind? He is from Mass. .... Mass. will be getting him back shortly.

So now I had to slap up an ad for yet another one and cross my fingers that someone out there thinks that mine is better than the 386 others. And that who ever that is doesn't creep around the house like a ghost - nor drink like a fish.

So I thought I would give a little tour of the house, since it is already posted online for the whole world to see. I am not showing his, oddly, crazy-messy room. I'm really not one to talk, as this is the super tidied up version. This doesn't even look like a real person lives here, but evidently that is how it is done. You're probably going to think I am a snob, but I am actually a slob. Somehow I am not able to put things back where they belong until I can't remember where they belonged in the first place.
                                                                             

well that's pleasant - I sit here and dream about having raspberry plants again
                                                                                

see, he washed the dishes, it certainly wasn't me

I like this room, although the only time I spend in it is when I toss all those pillows off onto the floor because I am too traumatized to sleep in my own bed. It's really comfortable so they don't usually go back on for several days, it's addictive.
                                                                                 

I have never eaten a meal here because who wants to sit at a table this big all by themselves (odd word). I never eat at the kitchen table either. I eat in that chair there, where I also read. Sad. But the light is really good!
                                                                                

I didn't put this in the ad, but maybe I should, I'm going to rethink it. I killed that rug though, shampooed  it with one of those machines you get from home depot. It shriveled and shrunk like an old ladies boobs - had to throw it away. I miss it.
They don't need to see anything else. You wouldn't believe what other people show...bathrooms with the toilet seat up..my god!

Ok, I'm trying to hold my head up and stop the already three days of torrential tears.   Do I look worried?  Believe me, I am.  I finally took a shower...4 days is enough. Thank Jesus for erase, I actually have purple/black circles under my eyes.  I have had at least 2 bouts of hang your head crying today. I'll probably, like in I will, have another when I go to bed tonight. Everything will be alright. Everything will be alright. Actually writing this did make me feel better.  Pray, pray, pray for a sane roommate for me, one who actually comes out of her room now and then.....noooo more men! And I promise to wash my own dishes.
                                                                   

                                                                           

    oh yeah, I cut my hair 

Listen, I am never going to write about politics or religion (probably). I leave it for others who are way smarter than me. But I do like to read about it, y'all inspire me and teach me to try to be a better person.  This is just not that kind of blog.

Love
Liv                                                                      

                                                    

Saturday night viewing, complimentary virtual wine and cheese served

I'm still here! I'm feeling so much better in every way, body mind and spirit. So I thought I would jump back in for a minute and instead of yakking on and on about all of that, I'll just give you a little bit about what I'm doing right now to keep it that way ... better.

I am painting!  I've been trying and trying to get back to this for 9 years. Thank god I never got depressed or hopeless enough that I threw the brushes or the paints away. I watercolor and watercolors are exceptionally versatile because they are so portable and they never get old! I have paints that are as much as 25 years old and all you have to do is add water, wait a bit and voila!

Taking a break from everything, and I mean everything, was/is healing. After a little while I began to breathe again and let me tell you how good air feels - in my lungs, my mind, my heart/soul.  I had no idea how shallow my breath was in trying to get to all these vital places.

So now I can hardly stop - painting.

This is a little bit of what I was doing all those years ago when I was painting pretty consistently..sort of. I was really afraid that I had lost it all. The first few attempts were a little scary, but once I started opening that door, I didn't care how good I was anymore. The thrill is addictive.


The first one I did (about 3 weeks ago) when I put water to the palette and picked up the brush was so bad that even Liz looked at it and said  "What is it?" We laughed almost to tears and I tossed it.  Which is a big deal for me because I used to be in the place, a long time ago, where I just wouldn't paint because I was afraid it was going to be awful and then I would be wasting paper.  Go figure.

These first 5 are from a long time ago.
I was painting in a pretty realistic style. I enjoy that, it's a real challenge to grab the subject and get it on the page as close as you can to what it really is.

This is not a mountain scene. Ha! It is a reclining woman done with a masking out technique.
                                                                                 

                                                                               

Now that's a bum!

I love this little girl hold a bird, it's a very small painting and had to be done with a magnifying glass.  The pigeon one is actually one of my favorites, if not my most favorite of all. In person you could see each little hair on the feathers on the floor, they were exquisite. Sadly it was stolen from my estate sale when I lost my home. I think I will always mourn it's loss, it was very special. And no, when people say "Oh, you can always paint another." it's simply not true.

This last one is a true exact  copy of a very old painting of the facade of the Paris opera house.  I would have to take it out of the frame to get a really good photo of it, sorry that this is such poor quality.  But it was exhibited at the Portland Art Museum in the student foyer when I was taking some classes there (ions ago) and I was very proud of it! It's a very big painting and I was so poor that I framed it in cardboard that I painted and pretend gilded.

I like these and I will still use this genre, but I've been wanting to try something looser.


After the first "What is it?" try, I took a little time to really think about what I was doing with the brush, I'm being very cautious with the subject...but I used a big brush, pretty brave!
                                                                                 

If you click on these they will, of course, enlarge. That will work with the older ones, but maybe not with these new ones as my camera is set at a ridiculously high level of pixels and I have to call android to figure out how to lower them, it's way down the list. So they may enlarge to mega and you won't be able to even see them. Sorry, but when posting, I don't see a way for me to know how they will turn out on enlarge.
                                                                              

A little bit looser, but not very adventurous.
                                                                                

This was crazy fun! I work from other paintings, mag. clippings and actual photos from the web. This is, obviously, a clip from a magazine. So it is a "copy" for lack of a better word. And while I am at it, I want to say that when I look at a painting, photo etc. I am not trying to copy the image exactly as the artist. Unless the work is antique and then it is legal to do so. I'm not trying to pass them off as "original" (but obviously I painted these - they just are not my original idea), hence, I could not/would not ever try to sell them. I am trying to teach my self technique so that I can figure out the process, which with watercolor involves a lot of calculation about what goes down first and then second, etc. to get the effect you are looking for. Transparency is an art in and of itself and timing is a real brain twister if it isn't so honed that you can do it like riding a bike. I fall off constantly.
And also, I'm not criticizing my work here in a way that would say - I feel bad about this, I really fucked it up. No, there is no failure here of any kind, if you miss getting something the way you wanted to, then that's just one thing you can cross off the list and lots of times you go back and forth and that's just how you learn.
                                                                            

I was trying to be "creative" here ...... I call it "You think you don't snore, but you really do" !
                                                                             

This is actually a very large painting, it's 26" x 22". I did it once before but I really like the colors so I tried again using the overlay and I think I did pretty good. I especially like this close up of the vessel.
                                                                                  

                                                                               
Now, I'm starting to get somewhere.
                                                                              

I don't know why, but once I got that hair, all the splash of it and the freedom, then I knew the rest of it was a cake walk.

I don't think I'm ever going to be the kind of artist that does abstracts that are metaphors or expressions of deep spiritual of social issues. I've always secretly wanted to be, but it's just not in me. I like what I do, I'm very happy with it and especially it's constant evolution. And really, every painting holds it's own "message", they all speak.

So there you have it. I think you might be a little drunk by now, that was probably a three drink exhibit.

I'm going to try a bit more blogging, we'll see. The whole thing is so different for me now, I've still got to figure it out a bit more.

So glad to see you!